I wanted to write a proper post, but I think the songs do better.

I'm going home
Downhearted and hoping
I'm close
To some new beginning
I know
There's a reason for everything
That comes and goes

But so many people are looking to me
To be strong and to fight
But I'm just surviving
I may be weak but I'm never defeated
And I'll keep believing
In clouds with that sweet silver lining

Most days I try
My best to put on a brave face
But inside
My bones are cold and my heart breaks
But all the while
Something's keeping me safe
And alive

I won't give up like this
I will be given strength
And now that I've found it
Nothing can take that away
[Kate Voegele: Sweet Silver Lining]

Hey there, sad eyes
What's on your mind?
Don't look so down
Give it sometime
You don't have to be
So hard on yourself
I know the world can be a brutal place
Please don't let it steal your smile away

'Cause when the sky is darkest
You can see the stars
And when you fall the hardest
You find how strong you are
Close your eyes, rest awhile
It's been a long, long day
So come on, baby, baby
Have a little faith

Let those tears fall
You gave it your all
It's all you can do
I'll be here for you
And there goes your pride
Crushed on the ground
Sometimes it takes a wall to tumble down
For you to see who's gonna stick around

Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better (yeah)
And it takes so much to be brave
Sometimes you're afraid it'll hurt forever
But when all the lights begin to fade
[Jordin Sparks: Faith]

You fight to keep what you have, and your system overloads again.

Sorry, this whole thing about talent needs to cleared up in my head. So here goes:

What is it that propels people to the top? Everyone knows what to say: hard work; if you've got it, talent; and chance. Let's see what Jennifer's got!

1. Hard work. I know this well enough. When I hit Sec 1 I realized what it meant to work my ass off. I was a DSA student and surrounded by people who'd kicked my butt in PSLE. I survived, but only by spending double the time and effort, especially on Math and Science (oh, glad it's over now. HAHA). Likewise, the moment I entered the sport I knew I had very little talent at it. I don't suck at it. I just don't have the extra edge. Everything I have now was drilled into me by going early for school training, taking weekends off to play with Lynn (AHAHA LYNN TAN WE NEEDA MAKE THAT A ROUTINE) and private training (a few years back). If I train 12 hours a week, I get on par with people who train 6 or 9 hours a week. If I study two months before a Physics test, I lose out by one mark to people who study the night before (Sec 2, Block Test 2). I've done the math. It's been that way for years and I've gotten very used to the idea that putting in extra time and effort is the only way to get through this sport. I will never go too far with it because there are too many people out there who work as hard as I do, but just have the extra bit of talent that pushes them over the top. It might not seem like I work very hard, but hard work is a behind-the-scenes kind of thing, isn't it? No one in my class is going to tell you I'm a slacker. I know what it means to work hard. But to be fair, I also know what it means to play hard. I know very well. (:

2. Talent. Okay don't know much of this one. Academics: some for the languages, maybe, but zero for math and science (I get through tests by memorizing every possible question in the book). Sports: NO WAY IN HELL. I got this far by training and doing PT every other morning. And I haven't gone very far yet! Dance: I can coordinate things okay, and I might have some spunk for it, but I can't really tell. You can't go anywhere if you don't have solid ground beneath you. I need foundations first. I'll get back to you about this. In other words, all the achievements in my life has been accumulated and hoarded through hard work. The only thing I might have some real talent for is speech-making. I can keep up in debates--just. And trying my hand at speech competitions was the best decision I made this year. Then again, ironically, I hate debating. Aw nuts.

3. Chance. You need to know what to do when an opportunity presents itself. YOU TAKE IT, DUH. Run a risk, take a chance. I'm not very good at this but I tried out Orator's Cup, right? (Good decision, that one. Totally crazy and completely suicidal, but it worked out. Miracles do happen.) But I'm getting less brave by the day, really. I think it'll take an entire week of JC life for me to get the gung-ho attitude back.

So you need a little of all 3 to get to the top. People like to say that hard work is all you need. Okay, so everyone works hard. But it doesn't mean everyone's gonna hit the mark. Who's gonna get it? The people who work hard and have a gift for what they do. But some of these people still won't make it. They're the ones who don't dare to take a chance and let themselves be known and spotted. Let's be realistic about it, shall we? You do need talent, and you do need chance and luck. Those are the things that will help you whack a homerun, long and far. Hard work is already a given in our society. It's a pre-requisite. It's understood.

So I'm gonna work hard and take the right chances for the things I'm not gifted at but for which I have a passion, and I'm gonna friggin' work my ass off and take friggin' big risks for everything else (to heck with the stuff I don't care about!). There are going to be people who will kick my butt. I'm quite familiar with the idea. But I might as well just keep dealing with it. I will always have a good moan and groan about how it's bloody unfair that some people don't even have to try to be good at stuff, but that's a routine moaning-and-groaning thing (so ignore it the next time it comes up). I won't always try to be as good as the people who are talented, but I will work as hard as they do, in my own way, behind the scenes. It's a good way to live life.

I like the things I do now. I really do. ISN'T THAT ALL THAT MATTERS! I'M YOUNG AND I'M HAPPY SO I SHOULD FLIPPIN' MAKE THE MOST OUT OF IT! THREE CHEERS FOR THE GOLDEN YEARS OF YOUTH! :D

5 things I've realized today:

1. When you're having muscle aches that are so bad they could kill you, it's not a good idea to go for training. I said it wasn't a good idea. I didn't say it was the idea I took. I went for training anyway and fifteen minutes into the stupid thing--SNAP!--something went wackus in my leg. Another half hour and SNAP went the other leg. For the rest of training I was absolutely exhausted. And on fire all over.

2. Stand back and look at things carefully; analyse everything that goes. Then you'll see where you are. How far everyone has gone, and how far you've fallen behind. You used to be able to do all that. You used to put up a real good fight, or even if you didn't, you won anyway. But that's all so far back in the past that you begin to wonder whether you were really up there at all. You can't catch up, you can't face up to the people whom you know are beneath you (or used to be--nothing's definite anymore), and you can't do the simplest of things without screwing up. After all that's over you go home and wonder what the hell you're doing, loving something that you'll never be good at.

3. Precisely that--I spent half the day doing things I will never get good at. I love the things that I don't have a talent for. And--get this--I hate the things I'm possibly gifted at. I hate debating and I really don't like giving certain sorts of speeches. Wonderful way to live life. Do the things you suck at and don't do the things you could make money out of. I love it.

4. Some people are born with the talents you would die for and you could stab them for it. But after resisting the urge (and that's saying something), you begin to wonder if you do have the capacity. It's possible that you have the talent, but that you need to get down to it and find it. They always say you can't if you think you can't. So the best way to bullet-train my way through things is to keep thinking I can go higher. I've been thinking that for the past year and I'm still waiting for something to happen. But I can't if I think I can't, so I must think I can. And wait.

5. It gets tiring putting your all into doing something you're not quite born to do. It's not like I'm gonna stop what I like to do just because I'm not good at it--if that were the case I would have quit a long long time ago--but it strikes me that it really exhausts me to keep up a passion for things that get me pretty much nowhere (statistically. Let's leave out the personal growth parts). Of course it would exhaust me even if it did get me somewhere. But the point is, throwing in 100% input and getting only 20% output is a little daunting sometimes. Not always, but sometimes. And it can get me down. Kind of like how it's pissing me off now. But it always passes, it's okay.

And the conclusion:

I'm taking tomorrow off.

Okay so I'm back from the UK, after a year of thinking it would never happen. I'm not gonna say too much about it--you can read all about it from other people's blogs--but I'm just gonna emphasise that it was the best school trip I could ask for (save for the hostels. Now those were a disappointment). I took more just souvenirs and photos away from it, which sadly is more than what I can say for my other school trips. It has reminded me that I have more than enough reason to continue my passion in literature, because there is so much to discover and so much to be excited about; it has rekindled my interest in words, which died off a little after my exams, considering the cramming I had to do for Macbeth (which totally killed literature for me for a while). I am now fully charged up to write again, and that's something because I wrote till 1 in the morning yesterday. I suppose I might do it again tonight. :D

So that's over, and now lemme tell you something about the holidays: THEY'RE A FREAKING WASTE OF TIME BUT I LOVE IT. :D The day passes by so fast because you have nothing to work for; there's no schedule, no timetable, which is GREAT because you live your life literally the way you feel like living it. There's nothing holding you back. You wake up when you wanna wake up, you eat when you wanna eat, and you do whatever you want. I have watched more than 100 SYTYCD videos in 2 days. (: I re-wrote another chapter (that's about 28 pages), too. I read up on all the manga I'd missed out on during my trip (I didn't miss much. Disappointing stuff came out this week) and I checked my mail and I replied the right people... In other words, I haven't done anything particularly constructive ever since coming back. In fact, I have been atrociously lazy. BUT I LIKE IT. And I intend to live my life out to the fullest (quite literally) during this holiday, because when school starts, life is going to get a lot messier. Actually, here are the things I need to do this holiday (but on which I haven't quite started):

1. Clean up my room. You won't believe the clutter.
2. Keep on dancing. This is a little complicated. I don't like dance lessons anymore, but it doesn't mean I wanna stop dancing. I would be very unhappy without dance lessons. I think I may switch studios after December's performance. There's nothing wrong with my current class, but I guess I need to find a place where I can lay down my foundations before going for proper routines. Popping and locking would be good--it's a specific genre, which narrows down the stuff I have to cram into my head; and it's very technical, which will help me get basic skills right. I really want that because I want to pursue dancing properly. It's confusing 'cause there's advanced stuff I can pull off (e.g. SYTYCD stuff), but basic stuff I can't do to save my life. (like a simple arm wave--STILL TRYING TO FIGURE THAT ONE OUT). I'll figure that out in December. If I find the time I shall do something crazy and completely out of my element, like tap and broadway or something. (: But getting hip-hop foundation down comes first.
3. Train. You won't believe how much I want to get back into competition mode. I miss those days. D: If I had it my way I would train EVERY DAY (except Sat, which is dance day, and which I can do nothing about).
4. Read the books I bought in UK. The stupid philo book, the Latin book, and Wuthering Heights. Good luck to us all.
5. Finish Legend. This is the one chance I have to finish it (after a freaking year!), because when school starts I won't have time to even touch it.
6. Read up on History because, on a crazy whim, I decided to put History down as a H2 subject next year. Really, I should just stick a knife into my gut and be done with it.
7. Go running. I haven't gotten round to this yet. I just can't bring myself to get up early :D
8. Write a bunch of poems and short stories that have been running around in my head but that I haven't penned down yet. Rats.

And on a different note, I have to add that the dancers on SYTYCD are freaks of human nature. Imagine the stress of having to throw out performance after performance, week after week, and each time it's a new genre that you probably haven't even heard of before (Russian folkdancing is a beautiful style, but NO ONE REALLY KNOWS ABOUT IT). Imagine a ballroom dancer having to get down and dirty with hip hop; a contemporary dancer having to shake it with salsa; a tap dancer having to turn up the heat with paso doble. Millions of people watching you, and the judges ready to pounce at any mistake you make; up against other dancers whose lives are dedicated to their profession, who live and breathe the art. You either make it or you don't. The competition was designed in a make-or-break fashion, which is good for the audience, bad for the dancers. Those who survive (or dare to audition, even) are the ones who know what they want and believe whole-heartedly in themselves. It's amazing how they keep it up, week after week, style after style. I will never dance like that (LOL) but it's nice to dream. (:

Okay now I shall get down to writing again. Sorry this blog has been dead for so long! (Some people lazy lah...ahaha)

PS. I haven't linked Linus yet, but if you can, check out his blog. Some people sure have hidden talents. http://please-don't-burp.blogspot.com or something. I'll make all the long-overdue links tomorrow. (:

The only interesting thing that happened today was training, so here goes!

I woke up in the morning and found out that there was gonna be training in the afternoon. I was still half-asleep (but I could make sense of the SMS, tyvm) but I dragged myself out of bed to ask my mum if I could go. She'd said NO TRAINING ON FRIDAY BECAUSE YOU'RE JUST GONNA TIRE YOURSELF OUT AND THEN HOW ARE YOU GOING TO GO TO UK YOU TELL ME?! but I thought I'd risk it. (: And so when I asked her ever so tentatively ("Uh, Mummy--whom I LOVE..."), she said vaguely, "Go if you wanna go. But I ain't taking you there." Or words to that effect. So the risk was worth it. Totally unexpected beginning to the day! :D

And so I slacked off till about 12 (I tried to write stuff, but I only finished off like, two lines. I was watching too many dances lol), and then I had lunch with my mummy and then I made my way to Maris. I'm proud of myself--I managed to navigate my way to the school from the MRT. :D But I began to regret going when I realized I was the ONLY GIRL IN THE HALL and that everyone else was from China and therefore of a level of talent I will never understand. :/ It was okay after I was assigned to do some stuff, but I'm telling you, you walk in there and find out you're the only girl, you'll feel like running away pronto. The only reason why I didn't is because Chen'd already spotted me. :/

DO YOU KNOW SOMETHING. I actually managed to get some ball sense back today (: I started training with this little guy 小马 (yeah, like, literally) and at first I was a bit doubtful, because he's TINY and he wasn't that great the last time I'd seen him. But a few months can do miracles--HE'S CRAZY. He whacked the first ball I served and I was like, whoa. Okay granted he can't beat me :D But he's what, 8? And playing with him gets me worked up into demolition mode (I REALLY let it out that first hour) so that's good :D

Then we had to play matches against each other and that's where the only-girl thing freaked me out again--not to mention some old nemeses had popped out of the blue (not you, Edwin--you're not a nemesis!). I decided I'd just go in there and have fun--AND DO YOU KNOW, IT WAS AWESOME. It wasn't just fun; it was exhilarating. I was exhausted by the end of the first few matches and I'd started to get this blinding headache, but I didn't want to stop (even though I knew my mum would KILL me if she found out). I somehow found my way to the first table, got the crap beaten out of me by Seth (GAHH), but that was okay 'cause the previous few opponents hadn't really been much, so I hadn't gotten the feel of it yet--BUT AFTER THAT THE COMPETITION-MODE ME WAS BACK HAHA. Okay, it wasn't. But it was the closest thing I'd gotten to it in months. I mean, I didn't even think about what I was doing. The whole instinct-reflex-justwhackit thing was back. I got the whole blank-mode heck-care just-do-it thing back. I GOT A LOT OF STUFF BACK HAHAHA.

Yeah okay fine I was better in the REAL competition mode some six months ago. :/ But it felt so good. I made dumb mistakes and I really have lost some of the techniques (particularly the ones that go all science-y--the whole hit-it-when-it's-just-left-the-table-'cause-the-resultant-force-blah-blah kind), but I'll ignore those for the moment. (: What I mean is, I got the table-tennis feel back. Every time I whacked it, it felt right (OKAY NOT EVERY TIME BUT IT'S A MANNER OF SPEECH), and there was this solidarity upon impact. Sometimes it's all dull and hollow. (If this doesn't make sense, it's okay. It doesn't make sense to me either.)

After training Edwin and I went back to J8 together. I'm telling you, HE IS A CHILD OF NO MORE THAN FIVE YEARS OLD. He talks nonsense :/ But you should see him when he's in the okay-I-gotta-win-this mode. He's got this coolness to him when he gets serious, and then you feel like taking a step back and going "Whoa, take it easy". (Don't let this get to your head, Edwin! You're still a kid! :D)

All in all, uneventful, but totally worth remembering. When I get back from the UK, it's TRAINING ALL THE WAY. OKAY I'M GONNA GO SLEEP NOW I'M POOPED BYE!

JI INN MADDIE YOU ABANDONED ME D: I'll catch up with y'all at the Globe (:

HAHAHAHAHA I HAVE NOT POSTED FOR LONG ENOUGH SO NOW IT IS TIME TO BRING THIS STUPID BLOG BACK TO LIFE! (This is going to be very long. You might wanna fetch some popcorn and maybe a Coke.)

Okay, exams are over (like, over. Even Chinese O's--HAHA). So bad things all come to an end, even if it feels like they won't. (: I like to think that every time something bad happens and I gotta get through it. My results were actually better than I expected (I thought Chinese and IH were down the drain, but they were just tethering over the edge) and I'm just thoroughly relieved I made it to HC (this sounds stupid, but anything can happen, and I was pretty sure that anything would happen. It didn't, so yeah okay you win Stella!). HP is another thing, but there's nothing I can do about it now (signed up for it though) so I'll just see how it goes.

Went to Langkawi a few weeks ago and I'm telling you THAT WAS THE LIFE. (: The sea was crystal-clear and the sand was so fine it was like water anyway, and the people were awesome. It was the perfect reward for getting out of EOYs alive (although by the second day I was already worrying about my results). My sister and I shared a room and I think we bonded a lot (we watched lots of TV at night and we did a lot of dancing to weird songs--I think they were doing the Phineas and Ferb Top 10 Songs Countdown or something). So that was good (: And now that Chinese O's are over (HALLELUJAH!) I seriously have nothing on my agenda. I mostly spend my time sleeping, writing (I have made breakthroughs, tyvm!), worrying about UK (LET'S GO ALREADY), and going out with friends. I'm telling you, this is the life. I'm not used to having no work yet, but I could certainly get used to it. It's like the end of a road, and even though there's another long, tedious one ahead of you, there's a brief stretch of green grass in between. I'm gonna enjoy this stretch of grass. (: I totally deserve it--as does everyone else!

I've also be trying to train a little more these few days. I squeezed in 6 hours--last night I headed to Maris and today I went for school training. Maris training was painful. I mean, not really literally (well yes literally--I'm aching all over now. I've completely lost my physical fitness because I haven't trained properly for AGES). It was painful because it's disturbing how much I've deteriorated. I mean, okay, I did alright for someone who hasn't touched bat and ball in weeks, but thinking about all the things I used to be able to do is sort of...well, it's not very nice. :/ I used to put up a good fight for a lot of people, and NOW I AM A SITTING DUCK. I think most of you would know by now: I have no talent. I get by with hard work and by training twice as hard as anyone else (not like some people we all know...darn all you talented people.). Without the training, I'm screwed. So yesterday told me what I needed to know. Reflexes, ball sense, ZERO. We're back to square one.

Nanyang training was slightly better. I managed to get some good sense back--the instinct never leaves me, it just sleeps on me sometimes. It's like a hibernating animal now and I gotta wake it up. It's quite stubborn, but it's stirring. The bad news is that I won't be able to train in the UK so it doesn't really matter how good I am now. When I get back, though, it's training all the way. It's like major demolition mode. I kind of whack everything that goes. (:

I've been reminded how hard it is to fit in. Sometimes, it's not something you do or didn't do--it's just how people look at you. I'm not going to change myself (much) just to fit into the crowd, but I certainly won't let myself get too close, either. The people who know my name say I'm loud. The people who know me say I'm quiet. So now you know people are like onions. They've got layers.

There are many more things I want to say here, but I can't really remember what they are. I'll say it when I remember. I'm exhausted so I'm gonna go hit the sack now. (: I'll be back tomorrow and hopefully by then I will know what I want to say. I remember they're relatively important and actually quite emotional...but it's too late into the night for emotional ranting, so I'll spare you. In the meantime, here are some things I should probably tell a few people:

Stella: UK UK UK UK UK UK. You're rooming with me so good luck and God bless you. (: I will love you no matter where you go so your not being in HP won't matter to me (and I haven't made it there yet!). Do what you have to do for yourself :D And then, UK UK UK UK UK UK!
Edwin: Sorry I can't go for training these few weeks. I'll be back after 25th. (: When I get back please be merciful if I have to play with you. You would have trained for weeks already. I would be totally back to basics.
Yingjie: Happy belated birthday and good luck for your A levels! (:
Ji Inn, Maddie: HAVE A SAFE TRIP! (: We'll see you at the Globe!
Linus: Too bad I can't see you before I leave. D: I'll see you after I get back, then! Take care (:
Rosemary: Wallace videoed us D: CAN WE KILL HIM PLEASE. GAHH. It was great working with you (: I GIVE YOU HUG! HAHA.
Lynn: JUNIOR APPLE. I'll see you when I get back (: We'll marathon it--10 hours of training in one day. I'll bet you we can do it. Whether we survive after those 10 hours is another question. We'll see how it goes. :D

Okay I'm done. 'Night!

GAHH is my new favourite word. It's very appropriate. "Chemistry--GAHH!" "Literature--GAHH!" "Dance performance--GAHH!" "Sister singing in the bathroom for the world to hear--GAHH!" VERY appropriate.

You should be able to guess by now that Chemistry and Literature didn't go too well. Very funny, Mr. Tan--YOU WERE TOTALLY HINTING, PLEASE. By the end of the lesson we'd taunted him so much saying he was giving us hints for the exam that he was practically stamping his foot and snapping, "I'm telling you, girls, it's not a hint! If you only study the things I told you about you will DIE!" And then we go for the exam and the next thing we know we're looking at the EXACT SAME PASSAGE he went through. GAHH. Nevertheless, it was SCREWED UP BEYOND ALL IMAGINATION. I ended up saying something about "tacit, unspoken love and concern" for the unseen prose, and halfway through I was wondering what kind of mushy crap I was wasting my time on (DH Lawrence has a problem. All his characters are very annoying. What kind of idiot uses a newspaper for a tablecloth?). And then the essay--nothing I studied came out. D: I was praying and praying the question would be along the lines of a. Macbeth b. Lady Macbeth c. supernaturalism d. "you don't have to do this question--the teachers can't be bothered to mark it". Lady Macbeth came out and I nearly shouted HALLELUJAH...until I realized I had NO IDEA what the question was talking about. They were totally cheating--they asked 3 questions, not 1! GAHH. I ended up writing a pathetic, disjointed essay that just screamed IDON'TKNOWWHATI'MTALKINGABOUT with every new line of rubbis.

Don't even ask about Chemistry.

Well, 5 subjects down, 3 to go: Japanese, Math and Physics. GAHH. Okay fine, this is a very important signpost (...?) in our struggle towards freedom and liberation. 5 subjects down! I consider that a large load lifted off our shoulders...YEAH, RIGHT.

I don't know if I can last that long. D: I'm so exhausted from the past few months of extreme book-marathoning. 2 weeks seems like forever now. I really don't think I can make it. And then, even if I do, there's the trauma of getting the papers back. Now THAT'S real trauma.

In the meantime! 5 things that cheer me up:

1. the awesome 7! :D our story is such rubbish HAHA but it's so fun to write :D anything that says a phoenix and a duck can be cousins MUST be good.

2. despite the fact that my world has practically grounded to a halt, other people's world's have not. every now and then i allow myself to go online and read some interesting mangas that make no sense but make you very happy (they make you feel smart). BUT sometimes the latest few chapters of a few less well-known mangas can only be found in japanese. kekkaishi is VERY long-winded and philosophical now because they're still tiding over the aftermath of the battle (so everyone's very depressed at the moment). imagine reading 18 pages of long, long paragraphs of complicated kanji you ain't never even seen before. GAHH.

3. the thought of all the idiotic things i want to do after EOYs--buy a frilly dress for my dog, visit clara's new puppy milo, dye my dog pink or something, go to east coast park with the other two musketeers and cycle our way through the day, go dancing in the rain with fei ya...

4. THE FACT THAT I HAVE A PET PHOENIX CALLED KAI AND A PET DUCK CALLED DUCKSIE AHAHAHAHAH.

5. ...okay i don't have a 5. GAHH.

My life is very miserable at the moment.

It's okay, I only have to fight on for two more weeks.

WHAT DO I MEAN "ONLY" GAHH I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE I NEED TO GO AND PUNCH MY PILLOW OR SOMETHING SOFT LIKE SOMEONE'S FACE OKAY THANKS BYE.