To O’Conner, cats and dogs made no difference. They were both four-legged creatures with long curly things sticking out of their behinds, and they made sounds that were not understandable. He had noticed, however, that their styles of self-defence differed. Cats had sharp things sticking out of their front legs that could tear through skin and flesh; dogs sank their teeth into them. He had learnt this the hard way.

“Why did you kill it?” Leon sighed, bending down beside the body of the small cat that had left O’Conner with a long gash on his arm. “You couldn’t have just whacked it on the head and called that sufficient payback?”

“Well, no,” O’Conner said, trying to shake blood off his arm.

“You killed the dog, too, a couple of weeks ago,” Leon said, lifting the cat up. “I’m going to bury this.”

O’Conner cast him a strange look, as if to ask why, but then he turned away and pulled his jacket on so that his sleeve could soak up the blood.

“Ed,” Leon called vaguely, looking around for a good burial spot.

Edward slipped off his perch on a rock and went to O’Conner. He took O’Conner’s arm and rolled his sleeve up to tend to the gash. The Setters had learnt that O’Conner never let anyone come near him unless his hand was hovering casually over the hilt of his sword—casually, but nevertheless readily. The only one who could go near him was Edward. Edward never talked. Smiles came very easily to him compared to some of the rest, and he was very gentle, so gentle that even O’Conner had come to learn that he meant no harm. In fact, no one had seen him fight before. That night, when they had attacked the Breakers, Edward had refused to follow them. They were beginning to wonder if he could Set or fight at all.

Arlen, sitting on another rock and swinging his legs, watched with mild interest as Edward tended to O’Conner. “You nut, O’Conner,” he remarked. “You had to go and poke a stray cat. Didn’t you have something better to do?”

There was something else the Setters had learnt about O’Conner—that his eyes always belonged to a hunter, not the seventeen-year-old boy he was supposed to be. O’Conner shot Arlen a dangerous glance.

“Well, sorry,” Arlen said, raising his hands in surrender.

O’Conner turned away from him.

Arlen and Raven exchanged glances. Raven’s own eyes were very dark, even completely black, but occasionally there would be a spark in them. There was a spark now, and her eyes twinkled with amusement and mischief.

They had known each other for a little more than two months now. Arlen and Raven had met first; later they’d met Leon by chance, and Leon had happened to know Niles. They had found O’Conner together. Edward had been the last to join the group. Niles was the oldest of the group, a man in his mid-twenties; Edward seemed to be the youngest. They roamed about freely, visiting villages as they passed, and when they seemed to be in the middle of nowhere, they trained. Arlen and Leon seemed to enjoy sparring with each other, and soon fighting wasn’t the only thing they did together. They spent every waking moment together arguing and bickering, and even though Leon always won in the end, Arlen never seemed to give up. They even argued during meals, which usually resulted in a serious fight involving cutlery. Raven always watched with interest, and when Arlen saw that he was losing hope, he would ask her for help; Edward would watch in silence and smile; Niles would watch mildly without comment. O’Conner did not seem particularly interested in their public speaking competitions, but he never told them to shut up.

The other Setters had come to treat O’Conner with respect as much as they did with fear. They did not doubt his ability; even before their attack on the Breakers, they had already seen enough to believe, without hesitation, that he was the ultimate Setter. O’Conner lived to fight. He was volatile, explosive, unpredictable. It had taken them all, even Arlen, quite a while to converse with him without resting their hands on their own weapons. As had time passed, however, they had come to realize that O’Conner was too busy being fascinated by the things around him to bother sticking a sword into one of his own acquaintances. It was as if he had never been outdoors, or to a village before. He never asked questions, always tried to figure things out alone. His eyes never changed, and he never smiled—the only time they had seen him smile had been during the attack, and that hadn’t exactly counted as a smile—but his hands roamed the objects of interest with a sort of quiet eagerness. In fact, if the long, curved sword at his waist and the dangerous glint in his eyes had been absent, they would have mistaken him for a child.

He puzzled every one of the Setters, even Niles, who could normally read people like books. He had suggested the attack on the Breakers and had done the most damage, notably nonchalantly so, but any trace of cold sadism was countered by his childish fascination for the most trivial of things. True, he was violent, and destroyed everything that he deemed a threat to himself (including cats and dogs), but the wiser few of the Setters were beginning to wonder if it was because he was simply a killer, or because he was afraid of these things and did not know how else to deal with them.

“Well, he’s buried,” Leon said, emerging from the bushes and dusting his hands off. “The next time you see a cat or a dog or any other animal, O’Conner, please don’t go near them, for both your safety and theirs.”

“That thing attacked me first,” O’Conner retorted. “I had a good reason to kill it.”

Leon sighed. “That’s the point. You don’t go around poking stray cats and dogs. You provoked him.”

“All I did was to touch it,” O’Conner snapped, his eyes flashing, his hand suddenly hovering by the hilt of his sword. “What kind of imbecilic animal—”

“I’m hungry,” Arlen interrupted cheerfully, jumping off his rock. “Let’s get some lunch.”

It was ten o’clock in the morning, but Leon shot him a grateful look before turning away to fetch his knapsack. O’Conner’s hand left his hilt. He seemed to think for a long moment, and then slipped off his own rock, but his eyes were still dangerously sharp and bright. Edward gently touched his elbow. O’Conner’s fingers curled instinctively around an invisible hilt at the contact, and then slowly, tentatively relaxed. He followed the rest of the Setters in silence.

“There’s a village down there,” Arlen said, as he jumped bouncily from one rock to another. “Wanna check it out?”

“We haven’t been to a village for ages,” Leon remarked. “I miss civilization.”

Niles looked at him, his clear eyes bright and penetrating. “I thought you hated company,” he said mildly.

“I do not,” Leon snapped. “Arlen is an exception.”

“Hey!”

“Watch where you’re going,” Raven said tonelessly, as Arlen slipped and fell off a rock with a yelp.

As Arlen and Leon began to bicker and Niles and Raven looked on, Edward paused to look for O’Conner, who had fallen behind. His eyes found the ultimate Setter and he motioned for him to catch up, but then he realized O’Conner was not looking at him, and he smiled.

O’Conner had found a butterfly.

I'm tired.

The emotional roller-coasters, the confessions, the apologies, the make-ups. Tired of them all.

What do you want me to do?

What do you mean, you'll stand by my side even if you seem reluctant? What do you mean, you still believe in me? There was a time when you didn't?

How can I find success and happiness in the years ahead when my best friend doesn't make sense to me anymore?

Why do you think I complain? So that I can get it out of my system and gear up to face the problem. I don't complain and then leave it aside and forget to deal about it. Horrible things are happening around the world, but does my life have to stop altogether for them? Should I stop complaining because other people have worse things to complain about? If I complained, and then did my job right, and then moved on with my life and at the same time continued to stay aware of what's happening around the world, would that be wrong?

So someone who complains that she's stressed out, that she has too many disturbing things on her mind, shouldn't be allowed to participate in scholars' cup?

So the President of the United States isn’t allowed to complain about the stress in his life, because the things happening in Gaza make his life trivial?

Do you think I don't care about what's happening now? I care. I care a lot. But I have my own life to deal with too and my way of dealing with it is getting all the anger out of my system by grumbling about it, and then working hard to do better.

Getting into Scholars' Cup was a huge thing for me. Heaven knows what i would have done to vent my anger if I hadn't complained about it. I know my problems are trivial compared to the problems of the world, but it's my life, they’re not trivial to me, and I'm the one dealing with them.

If you don't think I deserve a place in Scholars' Cup because of that, then don't say you want to be in the team with me.

Speaking of complaining, I know I also have wrongs in this. I probably shouldn’t have drawn you in to listen to my complaints, especially when it ends up working out for me and you feel a bit cheated that you had to spend all that time listening to me for nothing. So I’m sorry for that, and I promise I’ll keep some of it in, although I will never stop complaining altogether, because that’s my way of dealing with things. If I have to, I won’t complain to you, if you don’t want to listen. You’re just the first person I complain to because you’re my best friend and I know you’ll listen—although maybe I expected too much.

I know I hurt people without knowing it, and I'm working on it. You know I am.

But I can't talk to you properly now.

I want to say thank you for being honest with me, for the note, and the email, and saying that you wanted to give me your support. Thank you for still being sweet and kind to me these days. I'm sorry for complaining about things you’d rather not listen to me complaining about, for making you think that there's a problem in our relationship now--or a problem in me. It must have been hard on you too, to have to say that you "still liked me as a person", although you must have been aching to be mad at me. I love you, because you've always been a great friend and you've always been there for me.

But this time round, I think I'm the one hurt.

last time I checked
we were us, not you and me
we were everything I lived for
until one July morning, I found I was free

i had nothing to my name back then
nowhere to go and no one to hide behind
but then the July sun shone down on me
and I remembered I am more than what meets the eye

what went wrong? were you wrong, was I right?
was it worth the final fight? did it come through
that everything I did, I did for you?
when you walked away, did you remember
all the times I stood up for you? did you ever
think of how I brought down the people who wanted you down
do you remember anything now?
i suppose it doesn’t matter to you
because it seems like I’m alone
but it’s okay; the July sun reminded me
i can always stick it out on my own

after you left
i stood there, my arms spread wide
there was the warmth and the light and the scent of summer
i knew I didn’t need anyone by my side
of course it hurt, just a little bit
to know that everything I’d lived for was gone
but the July sun shone down on me
and I decided I’d just have to move on

what went wrong? were you wrong, was I right?
was it worth the final fight? did it come through
that everything I did, I did for you?
when you walked away, did you think of
how I would live my life, who else I would love?
did you ever wonder how I’d make it through? all the how’s?
do you wonder about anything now?
i suppose it doesn’t matter to you
because it seems like I’m alone
but it’s okay; the July sun reminded me
i can always stick it out on my own

i was high in May, high in June
now I’m shot down in July
but there’s the July sun and the July breeze and the July reminder
that summer doesn’t exactly last forever

i’m in for tough days, tough seasons
i may lose my love, my reasons
but it’s alright; because after a while
it’ll be summer again and I’ll just smile
when I remember that one hot July day
the one I trusted just walked away
it hurt for a while, just a little bit
but the July sun got me over it

through August and September and every month of the year
the July sun will shine down on me
i’ll stick it out on my own and be free

dear one and all,

hello, my name is will. i spend a lot of time telling people that because i'm good at starting up conversations. i'm a very sociable person, you know? i can talk to anyone and make friends with anyone. i have great social skills.

but i've come to realize--the hard way--that somehow my communication skills aren't that great, after all. in fact, i fall just a little short of having a communication disorder. not many people are really going to believe me, but some people sitting here today will know all too well.

the first problem i have with communicating with other people is saying "thank you". everyone learns this phrase the moment they start to babble. it becomes a part of your vocabulary not too long after you understand the meaning of "mama" and "dadda". for me, "thank you" has been a part of my vocabulary for as long as i can remember. it's just that it's not part of my working vocabulary.

the people around me, for some reason, all seem to love me very much. they do great things for me, they go out of their way to help me, they do everything they can to make my life better. i know it. and all this goes by without a mention of appreciation. i know they love me; i know they will help me. a friend helps another friend: that's what friends are for. but friends are also there to appreciate what their friends do for them. a friend can help you and love you; a friend can also fall out with you and leave you. it's their choice, not yours. helping you is an obligation, not a duty. in a family, it is indeed duty to help a sister or a brother, but likewise, it is the recipient's duty to appreciate the help. the act of helping is sometimes a choice, an obligation; the act of appreciation is always a duty.

i have come to realize this only a little too late. it has taken many arguments, many fights, even a few fatal fall-outs, to wake me up. the people around me love me too much (i don't know why) and i take them entirely for granted. eventually, i don't even think about whether they will help anymore; their help is a guarantee, an absolute something that is always there. this has cost me, and even though i may be forgiven, the memory of going unappreicated will remain. the guilt of not appreciating what i should remains. i have a communication problem because it is so hard to say "thank you", and truly mean it. the "thanks, man" in everyday life doesn't count; i mean the heartfelt "thank you" that comes from the soul. how many people have i met and received help from, and have not said "thank you" to? it will take a few calculators to find the total sum.

my second communication problem is probably something we all have--it's just that mine is particularly serious. i have severe difficulties saying "sorry". it just doesn't come out of my mouth. i have intentions of saying sorry. i just never quite end up doing it, or if i do, not properly. why is it so hard to admit that i am wrong and that i am willing to change? why is it so hard for everyone?

i've done many bad things to many people who don't deserve to be treated that way. i have taken people for granted; i have used people; i have ill-treated people; i have betrayed people. i never really think about it until it is already done, until it is already too late. and then, i will think of apologizing, but, as always, it never comes out right. sometimes, i don't even want to apologize at all. i keep giving myself excuses, keep trying to tell myself that i am in the right, when clearly i know that i am just being weak and selfish. this happens almost on a daily basis. how many people have passed me by, deserved an apology, and moved on without getting one? more calculators, please.

those are the two biggest problems i seem to have. they're just two problems, not too uncommon, but they have cost me more than i believed they would and it has takcn that much to make me truly want to change, when i should have curbed the bad habits about ten years ago. they have corrupted my relationships with people and destroyed certain friendships, and even though most of the damage has been repaired (because all the people i know are very forgiving), the deed has already been done, and the scar will always remain. they have taken their toll on me emotionally and mentally, and damn right it should. the only comfort i have in this fact is that at the very least, i still have some resemblance of a conscience.

i'm going to end this speech by doing what i have always neglected to do. many of the people sitting here today are people i know, people i love. after everything i have done to them, they are still here, supporting me, listening to me. there are three things i want to say to them. firstly, i want to say "thank you". i want to thank them for everything they have ever done for me, whether it be a lifesaving matter or just a simple favour. i want to thank them for being there when they didn't need to be, for tolerating me and being patient with me. secondly, i want to say "i'm sorry". i'm sorry for all the things i should have done but never did; for all the things i did but shouldn't have. i'm sorry for only realizing my communication disorder now, when it would have made life so much happier if i had become aware of it earlier.

finally, i want to say this: i promise i will change. i have seen enough and reflected enough to know that i want to change. the road to change will be rocky and hard--bad habits aren't too easy to curb. throw in a tad of stubbornness and things get very difficult. i hope everyone--all of you--will help me through the transition, and help me remember the lessons i have learnt so slowly and painfully. i don't ask for anything more; i just want to know that you will continue to be there for me even in this stage of total confusion and change. it's perfectly alright if you don't want to be. i understand completely if you've had just about enough of me.

that's all the time i have today. this is the end of my speech. but it's not the end of my life just yet, and while i still have time, i want to try my hand at dealing with my communication disorder. i have one more favour to ask of all of you sitting here now: wish me the best of luck.

thank you.

are you afraid of the thunder?
are you afraid of the rain?
are you afraid of life down under?
are you afraid of your name?

do you wanna be who you wanna be?
do you wanna stay who you are?
do you wanna live life the way it is?
do you wish upon a falling star?

we live, we die
we laugh, we cry
we fall, we fight
we fail, we try
we hate, we trust
what is love? what is lust?
we all want to know the answer to this:
why the hell does anyone exist?
we search and we ask everyone we know
but we don’t realize that the answer unfolds
only when it comes down to this
that’s just the way life always is

when a fight comes, do you fight?
when do you fall, when do you fly?
when you touch, what do you feel?
when you hurt, how do you heal?

what happens when you take a life?
what happens when you hit a child?
what happens when you spread your wings?
what happens to all the meaningless things?

we live, we die
we laugh, we cry
we fall, we fight
we fail, we try
we touch, we feel
we hurt, we heal
we all want to know the answer to this:
why the hell does anyone exist?
we search and we ask everyone we know
but we don’t realize that the answer unfolds
only when it comes down to this
that’s just the way life always is

you’ll never know why life turns out like this
you’ll never know who you’ll share it with
you’ll never know how the river bends
you’ll never know when your life will end
so come on, speak the words unspoken
never mind that your wings are broken
take the chance, take the risk
give that special boy a kiss
life doesn’t last forever
remember that it’s now or never
now or never

we live, we die
we laugh, we cry
we fall, we fight
we fail, we try
we touch, we feel
we hurt, we heal
we hate, we trust
we think that we must
that we must know the answer to this:
why the hell does anyone exist?
we search and we ask everyone we know
but we don’t realize that the answer unfolds
only when it comes down to this
that’s just the way life always is

that’s just the way life always is

no, i don't wanna weekend, considering the amazing list of things i have to do, but let's stay optimistic.

i'msostressedi'msostressedi'msostressed

well, no, i'm not. not yet. but wait till the zonals. and the nationals. and the SIAs and the projects and the tests and everything else you could possibly imagine, including a quiz that pops out of nowhere for a topic you've never even heard of before. that's why they call it a pop quiz.

anyway, the purpose of this blog is to tell the world what i'm going to do over the weekend. when you tell people what you plan to do, you have to finish them, or else they're going to KNOW that you're a slacker. i'm officially putting pressure on myself to finish everything on the list. LISTEN UP EVERYONE! ASK ME ON MONDAY WHETHER I FINISHED THE TASKS STATED BELOW SO I CAN TELL YOU YES :D

saturday
Kids' Club (CIP)
meet up with xinru

sunday
study surds, indices and logarithms
study remainder and factor theorem
physics assignment 13.1
redox worksheet 2
edit advanced literature term paper
IH articles (read through quotes, pick out trends)

0830-1000: IH articles
1000-1200: tuition (physics assignment 13.1, redox worksheet 2, static elecitricity)
1200-1300: lunch
1300-1500: study surds, indices and logarithms (practice surds and indices, practice log)
1500-1600: NAP!
1600-1800: edit advanced literature term paper
1800-1900: pack my bag for monday (sigh)
1900-1930: dinner
1930-: IH articles

that sounds feasible. somewhat.

SO DO WE WANNA WEEKEND!!

(no D:)

oh, well. there's no helping it. just gotta deal with things as they come...even if you end up banging your head against the wall.

THAT'S LIFE

alright, so i've decided that wednesdays are orange. sue me.

today was relatively normal. i got my hair tied up in a bun. i tried it on sunday once and my dad said i looked like a nyonya (like i need that!), but he also said i looked pretty good in it, which, coming from my dad, is about the largest praise you can get. my mum spent a good deal of time laughing at me, and so did my sister, but i think i looked rather pretty, too. :D i decided to risk it and go to school like that today. there was a hullabaloo for about thirty seconds, and then everyone got used to it. brilliant--i think i shall tie my hair up like this more often. (:

for math, i didn't really pay 100% attention in class. i did the remainder and factor theorem questions, but i've already had a lot of practice on this topic, so i darted in between R and F theorem and surds, indices and logarithms. i've done that too, but it was last year and i've forgotten everything.

which reminds me: i am pretty determined to stay ahead of school for these subjects. i'm weaker in them and i think it would do me a lot of justice if i stayed ahead by a couple of topics. tuition helps a lot. so while everyone else continues with R and F, i'll be moving on to revise surds, indices and logarithms on my own. for physics, i've already done most of electricity, so i just need to revise the topics again. i'm way ahead by about half the year, so physics is alright. for chemistry, i'm ahead because i'm good at redox, but i haven't started on organic chemistry yet. better start this weekend! i think i should have done this a long time ago. it's so much easier when you already know what's going on and when lessons are just a revision for you.

during chinese we had to write our first composition of the year. did i mention how much i HATE chinese compos? it's necessary, but an absolute BORE and it affects my mood so. it was recess after that and jeanette had finished her compo already, so she asked me if i wanted anything from the canteen, because i wasn't done with mine yet. in the end she helped me collect my third language transport card from the general office for me too. it was SO SWEET of her. if not i would have gone hungry and without a transport card. thanks tons penguin! :D

during advanced lit i gave my term paper presentation, which, i suppose, went smoothly, but i just wished i didn't "read" off the paper like mr tan said i did. i've always been a good speaker (yes, i am going to say it!), but maybe to him it's not good enough. i knew standards would be raised when i found out he's going to be our teacher this year. it's a good thing, i suppose--getting out of my comfort zone and aiming to reach higher expectations. i think i had it easy last year. ADVANCED LITERATURE 408-409-413 ALL THE WAY!

nothing much happened in LA. assembly was boring as usual, although the panel discussion perked me up a bit. i can't wait for xinru to come over on saturday--i've missed her D: she's shown me her school and her home and her culture. my turn!

that's all for now. really, i need to post something more meaningful than just what-i-did-today recounts. i shall post an argumentative or a story soon...but in the meantime, redox study and surds, indices and logarithms! :D

us again, jody, beverly, zhiyi and me. this was our first day in beijing, i think.

hey y'all.

it's the second monday of the year and already i feel like it should be the last. the hours pass by quickly; and yet the days crawl by. last year, it was different: the hours were slow, but the days flew past at such an alarming pace that i actually began to worry if my entire life was going to flash past just like that, too. i'm not saying i don't enjoy life now, but i wouldn't mind if it went just a TEENY bit faster. you get what i mean.

and now, it's time for me to do my typical everyday babble i.e. moaning and groaning about the things that make my life a little less convenient. complaining doesn't help, but it makes me feel better. i deal with the problems after complaining about them, anyway. there's nothing wrong with this!

well, today started off with my thermos (is it thermo or thermos?) leaking and soaking the bottom of my plastic bag, which had to be thrown away. still, when i went downstairs for the "urgent post-orientation meeting" that peishan and dileen had called for, it turned out not to be a serious post-mortem meeting, but a thank-you-for-helping-with-orientation-we're-so-thankful-that-we've-decided-to-give-y'all-mochi's sort of meeting. :D after a couple of mochi's i went back upstairs and had a good laugh with stella and elisa until school started.

LA lecture was a good start to the day--SRQ sounds like lots of fun, if you don't mind having a splitting headache afterward because of all the thinking. "it is justifiable to torture a terrorist to save innocent lives", "it makes perfect sense to save ten lives rather than to save one"... i had a lot of fun thinking about these things. i think i might just post an argumentative piece on them someday here, if i have enough brainpower to write a good one.

it was physics after that, which was alright, but not particularly interesting, either (not a science student). after that was lunch, i.e. scholars' cup auditions. seven auditioners (?), five places. the first debate went alright, but the second was the absolute PITS. i totally screwed up. i hope the NYDC team will take me back in for MPP, because i get the feeling i didn't quite make it into the scholars' cup team. D: so long, 2009 dream. i felt so depressed when the bell rang.

i remained depressed through chinese lesson, and the fact that i had not had anything to eat since 8 in the morning only made things worse. after chinese was math, and the prospect of having a probability quiz made me feel like putting my fist through something really hard and really solid. it was an easy quiz, though (too easy!), so that was alright. i simmered down a little and decided that i would pull through the rest of the day in a semiconscious mode. i was listening, but i wasn't really absorbing. i'm very good at pretending, though.

finally, it was time for japanese. 3 hours still doesn't seem like a feasible plan to me. a 15 minute break isn't going to give us enough energy for 3 hours! by the time it hit four, i felt like i'd been there for a day and a half. when the lesson was finally, finally over, i felt as though i'd spent about a week there. that's how bad it is. i don't know how i will cope when the real pressure of my later commitments sets in.

well, i went home (mum fetched me) and had a shower and talked to linus for a while. i felt a lot better after that, and diner was great. now, i'm posting this on my brilliant new blog (which i figured how to use last night--i am so proud of myself! thanks for helping out shelly!).

it's been a bittersweet day. i want to re-do the stupid audition, BUT i never want to talk about empires again. no empires. never.

later, i'm going to deal with geometric proofs (tuition homework. one good thing about math is that i'm way ahead of the syllabus...i think) and then i'm going to have a read through the quotes i compiled from all the IH articles yesterday. THEN i'll call it a day and get ready to face tuesday.

if mondays are blue, can i call tuesday green?

when tomorrow comes, i'll just have to deal with it, hour by freaking hour.