i wrote will's speech to the general public at
3:44 AM for you.
dear one and all,
hello, my name is will. i spend a lot of time telling people that because i'm good at starting up conversations. i'm a very sociable person, you know? i can talk to anyone and make friends with anyone. i have great social skills.
but i've come to realize--the hard way--that somehow my communication skills aren't that great, after all. in fact, i fall just a little short of having a communication disorder. not many people are really going to believe me, but some people sitting here today will know all too well.
the first problem i have with communicating with other people is saying "thank you". everyone learns this phrase the moment they start to babble. it becomes a part of your vocabulary not too long after you understand the meaning of "mama" and "dadda". for me, "thank you" has been a part of my vocabulary for as long as i can remember. it's just that it's not part of my working vocabulary.
the people around me, for some reason, all seem to love me very much. they do great things for me, they go out of their way to help me, they do everything they can to make my life better. i know it. and all this goes by without a mention of appreciation. i know they love me; i know they will help me. a friend helps another friend: that's what friends are for. but friends are also there to appreciate what their friends do for them. a friend can help you and love you; a friend can also fall out with you and leave you. it's their choice, not yours. helping you is an obligation, not a duty. in a family, it is indeed duty to help a sister or a brother, but likewise, it is the recipient's duty to appreciate the help. the act of helping is sometimes a choice, an obligation; the act of appreciation is always a duty.
i have come to realize this only a little too late. it has taken many arguments, many fights, even a few fatal fall-outs, to wake me up. the people around me love me too much (i don't know why) and i take them entirely for granted. eventually, i don't even think about whether they will help anymore; their help is a guarantee, an absolute something that is always there. this has cost me, and even though i may be forgiven, the memory of going unappreicated will remain. the guilt of not appreciating what i should remains. i have a communication problem because it is so hard to say "thank you", and truly mean it. the "thanks, man" in everyday life doesn't count; i mean the heartfelt "thank you" that comes from the soul. how many people have i met and received help from, and have not said "thank you" to? it will take a few calculators to find the total sum.
my second communication problem is probably something we all have--it's just that mine is particularly serious. i have severe difficulties saying "sorry". it just doesn't come out of my mouth. i have intentions of saying sorry. i just never quite end up doing it, or if i do, not properly. why is it so hard to admit that i am wrong and that i am willing to change? why is it so hard for everyone?
i've done many bad things to many people who don't deserve to be treated that way. i have taken people for granted; i have used people; i have ill-treated people; i have betrayed people. i never really think about it until it is already done, until it is already too late. and then, i will think of apologizing, but, as always, it never comes out right. sometimes, i don't even want to apologize at all. i keep giving myself excuses, keep trying to tell myself that i am in the right, when clearly i know that i am just being weak and selfish. this happens almost on a daily basis. how many people have passed me by, deserved an apology, and moved on without getting one? more calculators, please.
those are the two biggest problems i seem to have. they're just two problems, not too uncommon, but they have cost me more than i believed they would and it has takcn that much to make me truly want to change, when i should have curbed the bad habits about ten years ago. they have corrupted my relationships with people and destroyed certain friendships, and even though most of the damage has been repaired (because all the people i know are very forgiving), the deed has already been done, and the scar will always remain. they have taken their toll on me emotionally and mentally, and damn right it should. the only comfort i have in this fact is that at the very least, i still have some resemblance of a conscience.
i'm going to end this speech by doing what i have always neglected to do. many of the people sitting here today are people i know, people i love. after everything i have done to them, they are still here, supporting me, listening to me. there are three things i want to say to them. firstly, i want to say "thank you". i want to thank them for everything they have ever done for me, whether it be a lifesaving matter or just a simple favour. i want to thank them for being there when they didn't need to be, for tolerating me and being patient with me. secondly, i want to say "i'm sorry". i'm sorry for all the things i should have done but never did; for all the things i did but shouldn't have. i'm sorry for only realizing my communication disorder now, when it would have made life so much happier if i had become aware of it earlier.
finally, i want to say this: i promise i will change. i have seen enough and reflected enough to know that i want to change. the road to change will be rocky and hard--bad habits aren't too easy to curb. throw in a tad of stubbornness and things get very difficult. i hope everyone--all of you--will help me through the transition, and help me remember the lessons i have learnt so slowly and painfully. i don't ask for anything more; i just want to know that you will continue to be there for me even in this stage of total confusion and change. it's perfectly alright if you don't want to be. i understand completely if you've had just about enough of me.
that's all the time i have today. this is the end of my speech. but it's not the end of my life just yet, and while i still have time, i want to try my hand at dealing with my communication disorder. i have one more favour to ask of all of you sitting here now: wish me the best of luck.
thank you.
WELCOME
-hey y'all! -
Previous Blog Addresses:
-www.xanga.com/whenthunderstrikes-
PROFILE
this is where i let rip, so be warned that you might not like everything that pops up here. but i do, so deal with it. (: .
loves
this is so subject to change that i'm not even gonna bother listing them down.
hates
too many, and the list would be extremely volatile, anyway.
wants
a place in Oxford University (good luck, jennifer.)
for someone to know that he has a special place in her heart!
to survive in HCJC next year
not to have so many wants (but who's counting?)