When I smiled at you in the auditorium, I was probably thinking the same thing.
I can't say anything else. I mean, the fact that our argument rate has gone up by, like, what, 200%, has tested us again and again whether we were ever real friends in the first place, and if we were, how close we were. The past few years have been smooth and uneventful; it's only recently that we started going over the rocks (many, many, MANY rocks!). Sometimes we feel like we just want to cut the other person off completely, but then we remember that we do so many things together that we are literally inseparable. We have built so many connections in so many different aspects that if we were to break up, our lives would be extremely painful, because we would see each other EVERYWHERE. It's, like, an instinctive reaction to type your name into the recipient box every time I send an SMS. (: One of the first few websites I check every time I log on is your blog. It's even an instinctive reaction to peer into your class through the window and see if you're around! Even when we were in the auditorium, we kept looking at each other and then smiling. It's just instinct. I was the only one on stage you're close to and you were the only one offstage I'm close to (and could see!).
Let's not think too much about it. Let's just be friends for the sake of being friends. We can't separate ourselves from each other, after all; we've been through too much and we've done too much for that to be a possibility. So when I see you today, I'm just going to see you when I see you. When we play doubles, we'll just play doubles. And when we play singles, we'll just play singles.
It takes friends to share their thoughts, but it takes good friends to share their thoughts without saying anything.
So I guess we'll be talking a lot less now! :D
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
i wrote at
5:27 AM for you.
Us with the Championship trophies and medals (:
NYTT for the win!
i wrote Bits and Pieces and Bad Moods at
2:52 AM for you.
I'm feeling extremely random today, so let's just talk about things that make Jennifer happy/sad/go "what...?"/fall asleep. Right!
I got a baby duck today (: The PRC juniors gave us seniors soft toys! Mine's a little yellow duck with a tuft of fluffy yellow hair sticking out the top of its head (honestly, do I remind you of ducks?) It got thrown around class and mauled here and there because everyone wanted to play with it D: I made up it climb up Stella's shoulder (and Stella's hair, as usual, flapped around everywhere and went into its eye in a most awkward angle), and then it flew over to Jeanette (yes, my duck can fly). They both of them looked so cute together--Jeanette, the baby penguin in her black jacket, and my duck, sitting on her lap for the world to see. So now the royal pet has a royal pet! That should keep her busy. (: Si Lei doesn't like ducks though, so she kept trying to whack my duck one. ANIMAL ABUSE!! Thanks PRC juniors! It really made my day :D
On the not-so-bright side, I had two quizzes: a nomenclature quiz during Chemistry, and a mock Chinese test paper. Well, it wasn't that bad; I just did them. The nomenclature quiz was actually quite easy (unless I made, like, a hundred and one careless mistakes, which is entirely possible), and the Chinese composition question seemed really hard at first, but then I got the hang of it. I actually think my written Chinese has improved lots since last year. I can convey messages in Chinese even though I think them up in English. It just comes now. I have to ask a couple of questions to make sure I'm grammatically correct (ahem) but even so, I'm better than before... Then again, I SUCKED last year, so compared to some other people, I'm still a hopeless case. (: Surds and Logarithms quiz tomorrow. These little things really spoil my day, but at least they didn't ALL happen today. Yes, we must learn to look on the bright side.
I'm waiting for Chapter 250 of Kekkaishi to come out (oh HAHA Elisa you're totally missing out!). My Chinese reading ability is still the pits, so I only understand about 70% of what's going on. (: Now there isn't much fighting (fighting is universal. You either whack or get whacked. You don't even need to read for that). They're just sitting around either a. training b. having very serious dramatic conversations (i.e. who they're going to kill next) c. planning some crazy attack--meaning there's a LOT to read. There are, like, three or four different parties now, all with different stands, so it's a little hard to keep track of who's good and who's not. The little boy behind the shinyuuchi destructions is so funny. He's this little kid who looks like he's barely ten, but then he's got this really evil look and an ego the size of a whale. I love him so. There's 水月 (sorry, I have no idea what their Japanese names are). She's REALLY pretty. She's got some connection to Hiura (so you can imagine all the complicated connections they have now!), who, by the way, is currently doing nothing except napping. I wish I could do that. OH, and 七郎 went to Karasumori to look for the Kekkaishis (good luck to them. They'll never beat him in a million years). I wonder why? I think he's cool, but I just wished he had more of a heart, like his brother (alright, his brother can be a jerk sometimes, but at least he had a heart! He would have had a happy life in the Yagyou. I wonder where he is now). It's time to see if Yoshimori's inspirationally unfailing faith in humanity can knock some sense into him. Oh, right. 七郎 is not human.
EVERYONE'S in a freaking bad mood today. Well, if you are, don't take it out on me, you know? If there's something you're not happy about, say so already. It's not like I did anything wrong but if you insist I did, spit it out. You had a bad day at school, you sucked at training, whatever. Don't take it out on ME. You're the one always calling us sisters and all the rest of that rubbish, but one little thing you're not happy about and BOOM, you decide to make me your punching bag. If you think I'm going to take this ___ from you again, you better think twice. Either that, or you freaking disappear.
That is all.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
i wrote Hazing at
8:11 PM for you.
I just read a Chinese newspaper report about this new fad called "hazing" and honestly, I am enraged.
Basically, people throw a birthday party for someone else, and then, being natural party poopers, sabotage the birthday boy/girl by either a. dumping them into rubbish bins b. tying them up and then throwing stuff at them c. assault them (those are extreme cases). And that's not all. The whole process is videotaped for the world to see.
What a great way to turn sixteen!
Honestly. Is it cool to throw your best friend into the nearest rubbish bin? Is it fun to tie them up someplace and throw sandwiches at them? What the hell is this? Either kids nowadays are getting more and more repressed and want to vent their frustration out in this strange manner, or--and I like this one--our generation is just getting crazier.
It's bad enough that people do it. What's worse is that when the media got their hands on the news, some people hit out at those who slammed the fad, saying that it wasn't a big deal and that it was just a way to have fun. These people don't know what they're talking about, don't know what they're asking for. Go ahead and have fun, but not at someone else's expense. Hazing one of your friends on her birthday means you were never her friend at all. In fact, she should ditch you quick and never speak to you again, hopefully along with all your OTHER friends who may be lucky enough to see sense.
There was another earlier report in a paper that I read last year. A girl was hazed on her birthday and she was yelling at her friends to stop. A teacher walked past and asked the haze-rs what they were doing. They told him/her (can't remember) that they were just having fun and that they would clear up after the party was over (they'd tied the girl up and were throwing food at her). The teacher said, "Oh, that's alright, then. Just remember to clean up," and walked away.
What?
Hazing is not a fun way to celebrate someone's birthday. Hazing is just a sad, sorry excuse for sad, sorry people to bully others--those they call "friends". I personally think authorities should deal with haze-rs appropriately, giving out dire consequences and making them understand that hazing is plain wrong. There is no argument to that. There is no way someone would actually enjoy being hazed on his or her birthday; whoever gets hazed is a victim, never a willing participant.
Hazing is pathetic and I am truly disgusted by those who do it. Get a life! Here's what you do when you celebrate someone's birthday, you losers: go get a birthday cake and sing a song and be done with it. Cake and song--that's all you freakin' need!
i wrote at
3:37 AM for you.
I am absolutely pooped--but I am very, very happy.
Yesterday we faced arch-rivals RV in the West Zone Table Tennis Zonals Finals. The C Division had an easier win at 3-1. You guys were great! (: I was honestly a little worried because Si Yi injured herself and had to pull out, but even without her you managed to clinch the title easily all the same. Three cheers for NYTT C Div! :D Thanks for cheering for us, too! Hope you all enjoyed the debut team dinner; we'll have another one after the Nationals to officially conclude this year's competition season! :D
The B Division had to fight much harder for the title. Si Min and I were placed as the second doubles (thank goodness--there had been possibilities of us each going up as singles players, which, in retrospect, would have been suicide). Althea won the first singles match easily enough; it was an auspicious start, I suppose. Lynn and Celestine went up for the first doubles match. They lost--the other side had decided to substitute one of their usual doubles players with a stronger singles one. It's alright, work hard and fight in the Nationals! (: Chen Qiong went up as the second singles, and that was when we began to break out into cold sweat. Her opponent just wouldn't give up. In the end, she lost 3-2--a shining beacon of hope for RV to break the NY record and finally clinch the Zonal Champion title. After 20 years! They were leading 2-1 now and if we lost either one of the remaining matches, that would be it for us.
When Si Min and I went up, I remember worrying. I wanted to win, I was driven, motivated, heated up. That's a good thing if you're in a fighting sport, like taekwando or judo, when all you have to do is hang on and keep getting back up on your feet. But for a more skill-driven sport like table tennis, you need a cool head. You might want to win very, very much, but the more heated up you get, the harder it is for you to be accurate. One misled WHACK and you lose a point. With so many people from RV watching (both boys and girls) and the rest of the teams who had already finished their games (altogether easily about 60 or more), I thought I might as well put my bat down and surrender. But I thought I'd give it a shot.
And so Si Min and I whacked our way through. I think, for a crucial match like this, we did great. Under that kind of pressure and in front of so many people, our performance could be considered surprisingly good (for someone like me, at least!). We won 3-0. Very honestly, I think we just picked it up and killed it. I think the fact that the whole team got up on their feet and lined the barriers around our court to cheer for us helped tons. It was so heartening to see everyone standing up and cheering us on, left, right and centre. Thanks everyone--it helped me a lot during my match (:
Hui Yi went up as the deciding singles player, and I have to say that under that kind of pressure, she was fabulous. WHACK WHACK WHACK with an accuracy of pretty much 100%. And then that was it. We'd clinched the title again. After the long, epic battle, we'd done it.
I was absolutely relieved.
At this point I must also add that RV played brilliantly. They had such admirable fighting spirit. Even if they lost in the end, they put up a great fight and gave us a little run for the title! Three cheers for RV!
It was a great feeling when we went out for our team dinner. It was our debut team dinner, and since we'd all fought long and hard (and well) for the medals we deserved, there was a sense of satisfaction in us. We went to Subway at JP and had a wonderful useless-conversation-packed dinner. Juniors and seniors mixed together and had their moments of craziness together. This is the first time I've seen NYTT so bonded. All the way for the Nationals everyone! (: If we could fight hard yesterday, we sure as hell can fight hard again! NYTT for the win!
After a night of rest, I faced another heart-pumping competition--ACJC's inaugural Orators' Cup. I didn't expect to win anything. I didn't even expect to get anywhere near the finals. But I had lots of fun speaking in front of sporting audiences and talking about Mango (she came up, like twice?) and just sharing a part of who I am. Most of my speeches were very personal and had my own opinion on things in them. It was thoroughly enjoyable (and I was also very relieved I didn't screw up). I got very, very nervous when I realized I was one of the finalists. The topic was considerably much harder than the previous ones; the Rise and Fall of Man. I chose to speak about the quote: "After the game, the king and pawn go into the same box." I talked about how death is the one truth that binds us all (I kept wishing death on people today! Sorry!) and how even the greatest of men couldn't escape death, and therefore why no one can act all high and mighty during their lifetimes, because we're all the same. I did a lot better than I thought I would, although I didn't entirely expect a prize. But I ended up second, much to my surprise... So that was a good way to end the day! :D
Now that two major (very worrying) competitions are over, I can have a good rest (I just had a two-hour nap) and then get back to homework.
No matter what you win, you can't get away from that.
Ah, well.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
i wrote Today at
3:18 AM for you.
(Forgive me, but I'm just gonna do the typical what-happened-today thing.)
Today was, whoa.
First things first! Today we played in the Zonals semifinals. The C Div went with us because they had a match at the same time, too. Both coaches were there--the first time they've come together to coach us this year. It gave us a sense of security, I suppose, to know that we could fall back on them and rely on them if the matches got really pressurizing. The C Div had an easy game (YAY C DIV!) but we had a slightly tougher time. Althea, being the STTA player she is, breezed through her match, so that was a good start. Si Min and I went up next and at first it seemed like a pretty easy match. We won 11-2, 11-3 for the first two games. The third game was different. I think it was the 怪胶 the other team used--we're not too used to playing that, and they're meant to be confusing, anyway. We lost 12-10. Chen gave us some pretty good points and somehow I wasn't entirely daunted. I just knew we could do it. It was just that we'd lost our grip on a few strokes. We breezed through the last game and won 3-1. While it could have been better (everything goes that way!), I think we did good today. At least my whacking accuracy went up significantly (: In fact, I don't think I whacked anything out (I mean I lost points, but not through lousy attacks). Still, we have to work on playing the 怪胶, and focus more on stability and steadiness. Si Min, we can do it!
The second singles was the real heart-stopper. At first Chen Qiong made it look easy, even though we immediately understood that the opponent was a pretty good player herself (super-fast reflex!). We thought it was a definite win. And then we lost the third game and everyone was a little surprised--but never mind, these things happen all the time. And then she lost the fourth game too. Now that was worrying.
But the prominent thing in my mind about today is the fact that the whole C Div, who had more or less already trashed their opponents, came over to support Chen Qiong in her final game (whoa, that's dramatic--THE FINAL GAME). They came over voluntarily to cheer for their seniors, even though it wasn't their fight. I was so proud of them and so happy. I think Chen Qiong felt good that the whole of NYTT was behind her, too. At first, she fell behind in the final game, but caught up quickly and won the whole thing 14-12. I could have sworn my heart nearly stopped every time we won or lost. It was a real relief when she won. Chen Qiong, you're the best--all the way for the finals! (:
Ever since becoming Captain, I've been brimming with ideas to keep NYTT bonded and increase the sense of unity and belonging between the members. But that enthusiasm lasts only as long as it takes me to remember that I don't really need to do that much on my part. NYTT already has spirit and unity; it's just that, sometimes, they have an odd way of showing it. We don't seem as bonded as other CCAs, who have frequent team lunches; but I know for a fact that the spirit is there. We care for our CCA and we want the best for our team. Some people asked for a team dinner on Friday, regardless of whether we win or lose. That really made me happy (and that is a BRILLIANT idea--I think the C Div really know how to enjoy themselves!). Seeing and hearing all of us cheering together, and then cheering for our opponents at the end of the game, makes me feel as though we have finally gotten somewhere as a team. I can't even remember team spirit a couple of years ago. Now, though, I think we have it. NYTT, all the way!
After the match, my mother and I went to McDonalds' for some tea because we were both hungry. We sat there sharing fries and laughing--we laugh a lot when we chat. (: Then, seeing as we had time (previous appointment cancelled), we went to Thomson Plaza to check out a dress shop. My mum had spotted this amazing red dress in the morning. Alright--it's not AMAZING. It's a little red dress. But it looks good on me, and it's the type of dress I'd hoped for. I got what I wanted, so I'm really happy about it. (: I also got this tiny grey cardigan thing that would look great with my skirt and leggings. That was a bonus! And THEN we went to look for a shawl to go with the dress, but we ended up buying earrings instead, and a headband, which works wonders to keep my hair away from my face and from falling around my shoulders. I love it. Now I can let my hair down at home to ease that stupid balding spot (oops!) and at the same time NOT feel like I'm suffocating. I have really thick hair so when it covers my neck I swear I feel like I'm being smothered from behind.
This all seems very trivial: the typical teenager thing. But it was a good day today and a lot of things happened that made my life a lot more interesting. The things that worked my way remind me (but as if I need reminding right now) that I'm really, really lucky to live a life that makes me feel like it's worth living. They're small things and they can happen to anyone--I mean, they're earrings! It's a dress! Anyone can buy those off the shelf!--but they make me happy and I'll remember these good times. Just on the other side of the world, buying a pretty dress like the one I got ever so easily today is a luxury people hardly even dare to dream of. I have a typical teenager life and there's nothing particularly outstanding about it, but it's my life and I enjoy it and I'm grateful and happy for the things that happen (the good ones. When bad things happen I feel like putting a knife somewhere, but everyone is entitled to the right to feel that way sometimes. Just don't take it literally and get a knife).
Coincidentally, Si Min asked me today if I like my life the way it is now.
Need I answer?
Friday, February 13, 2009
i wrote NYSL Investiture 2009: Kaleidosc09e at
3:16 AM for you.
Let me be frank. I don't really like investitures. They make me nervous. I don't like it when I'm up on stage and I have to sit there for donkey's years. I don't like it when I have to wait anxiously backstage to do a dance I'm not even confident of. I don't like it when I think of all the teachers and seniors out there, with their expectations.
But on Thursday, I changed my mind.
On a very personal note, I enjoyed myself. Alright, sitting up really, really straight on a chair without moving at all for about an hour or so is back-breaking work, and immensely boring at times, but then again, it was all worth it. We looked GREAT and sitting there listening to speeches specially crafted for us made us feel proud to be up on stage, recognized for the fact that we deserve the responsibilities now officially entrusted to us. I have to say that the NYSL item at the end of the investiture was the most memorable part. Up there on stage, in front of the entire school, we danced all-out, vibrant and energetic, and very sporting. (: The mass dance--when everyone involved came onstage and danced together--gave me a sense of overwhelming pride and happiness. There we were, dancing to a happy song, totally enjoying ourselves. And the most important thing was that we were doing it together: one NYSL board, ready to take on the challenges of 2009. Compared to last year's investiture, which was a overly formal process that I didn't feel too much for, this year's investiture was a blast. Don't give me that look--you know we totally OWNED. (:
In retrospect, our investiture this year has marked a change in the course of Nanyang's student leadership history. Instead of a Council Investiture, which is exclusively for Councillors, the EXCO from the other Boards, like BOM, BEL and PSL are also formally invested, and are included in the planning process. The NYSL Investiture is a significant symbol of the direction we're heading for this year as student leaders. Just like how we work hard together for the investiture we now share, and just like how we are invested as one NYSL board, we will work together, not as Councillors, PSLs and so on, but as NYSLs. It's brilliant. What PSLs don't have, Council may have; what Council doesn't have, BEL may have, and so on and so forth. I think this year's investiture, as an NYSL investiture and not a Council one, held much more significance than its debut last year. This time, the fact that other leaders from non-Council leadership boards were officially invited to help out in the planning process, demonstrated a sincere, genuine want to put our differences aside and work together as NYSLs.
This investiture, to me, is also a symbol of change. I am proud of Batch '09 because we dare to break the mould, to step out of the boundaries of tradition. I am even prouder because we honestly, sincerely believe that what we are doing will be better for both us and the student body. We are not blindly following what was previously done; we are thinking, reflecting, doing things our way. For us, what we truly want this year is change, and the investiture reflects that. Kaleidosc09e: a different array of colors that forms beautiful patterns, none of which are ever quite the same. The investiture was different this year in that we melded formality and informality together. We were dignified and serious; but there was also some fun at the end, and some genuine attempt at enjoyment by both the performers and the audience. In fact, I think everyone will agree that the investiture was enjoyable. Previous investitures, in my opinion, were such strict, formal processes that it seemed almost mindless, more of a must-have traditional practice than an event to celebrate the pride we have in being Nanyang leaders. The fact that this year's investiture was a mix of dignity and elegance, and fun and enjoyment, and therefore a contrast to previous investitures, is a starting point for the entire NYSL board to bring about change for the better in the school.
Finally, the investiture has made me reflect on how Council in particular has changed. It reminded me of something: everything we did last year in Council was what Council had been doing year after year. The same things, all over again. Was there a rationale behind the repetition? Batch '09 spent a good deal of time thinking about each activity and each event that Council is supposed to have every year, and whether it was worth it to spend time and effort on such events. We brought about a huge change to the schedules for Council as a result of constant reflecting and sifting through post-mortems. We believe in what we do; we don't do things mindlessly, blindly, and just because we're supposed to. As leaders--as leaders who BELIEVE they deserve the role--the efforts we put into our work are genuine. What we will do in 2009, we will not do simply because we did it in 2008. We will do it because we believe it is for the collective good of the school, because we believe it is right.
Even as a senior, I think my term in office has only just begun. This is the year when my ability to think rationally and yet selflessly will be put to the test, when my reasoning skills and my ability to see and understand the problems in my school are stretched to the limits. Now, we can't hide behind tradition and culture anymore. We have pledged to make a difference, and to change things, we must be ready to step out and BE different from those before us.
Three cheers to NYSL'2009--the leaders who have pledged to, and will, make a change. We will leave our mark.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
i wrote past and present; you at
4:05 AM for you.
I haven't been posting much because our household net connection has been totally screwed recently, so I couldn't really stay online long enough to rant. Now, however, we have a new router. We salute the previous router for its faithful service and have given it an honourary position on the top of our bookshelf, where it will remain for a very long time to come.
PAST You've realized that small things can make your day. They can be really small and insignificant, but they all add up. Last Sunday, your mum bought a couple of t-shirts and a to-die-for sweater for me. That doesn't seem like a lot, and you assume they didn't cost very much, but it's nice to come home and be greeted with a nice pink, tight-fitting surprise. On Monday, you had laksa for lunch. You haven't had that for lunch for donkey's years. When you got home from the competition (I'll get on about that later), we had curry for dinner--another favourite. All these little homemade (or home-bought) surprises can change your mood. When you think about them altogether, it makes you feel like you have a lot to live for. At least, for now. You're going to enjoy these little pleasantries while they last.
PRESENT Friends can be a flower in your life, and they can also be a thorn. What happens when someone you thought you knew turns on you? It may not necessarily be betrayal, but nevertheless you feel like something on your part has been breached. When you think about it, your mind gets tangled up in itself and you don't know what is right and what is wrong. You have other friends to fall back on, but then you wonder if they will do the same to you, if they already are. If one person can do it, why not everyone else? Who can you trust? Who can you love? Some people remain constant in a stressful, ever-changing world; other people become the changes that define the darker side of your life. How do you forgive when you cannot forget? Have you ever been truly forgiven? The people who set you off the most are the ones who never tell you how they really feel. They beat around the bush and play a guessing game with you, which, inevitably, you will lose. They lie. And because of that, you wonder how you will be the same again.
It's so easy to destroy someone's image. All you have to do is ask; and then a whole stream of ugly things pours out. You may not believe them, but they will stick to the back of your mind and may even cloud your judgment about that person. You will try to be impartial, but those things you have heard about will remain in your head. You also wonder--if people can talk about him or her like this, what do they say about you behind your back? Again, you struggle to find someone you can trust.
At the end of the day, family is the one thing that stays the same. The people in whose veins run your own blood will never betray you; you know they won't. And you won't betray them. Even if there is a breach of trust, it can always be mended. Friends are different. You either accept them, or you don't. With family, you don't need that choice.
You've realized that ability and performance are two very different things. You may be a brilliant fighter; but your performance on the field may tell an entirely different story. What will it take to show ability in performance? It's probably impossible for someone like you. You try as hard as you can, and that's all that matters, but somehow, you just wish you could play on the court like you play on training grounds. That would be fabulous. You also wish you had someone to fight with. Someone who you can fall back on. Someone you know will never blame you for things you cannot control.
What you don't know won't hurt you until you come to know what you don't know.
You need time and a lot of brainpower to think everything through. You have your bouts of anger; and then they fade, leaving only tiredness and exhaustion.
You're living a typical human life.
Monday, February 2, 2009
i wrote at
2:34 AM for you.
It's been two weeks since I last posted about my life (because the previous has nothing to do with how I live--I don't go around poking people with swords!), and a lot of things have happened. Most of these things are not-too-good. It's been an emotional roller-coaster ride for me.
Schoolwork-wise, I just don't feel the pressure. Nor do I feel the motivation. I'm sort of ahead in school in the sense that I've studied the topics we're studying now, so I know what's happening, but what strikes me is how fast other people learn, and how long it took ME to grasp the concepts alone. It took me 8 weeks to perfect indices, surds and logarithms; it took Stella and everyone else 2 weeks to do the sums just as quickly and as well as I do now. It took me a good many tries to understand Pressure, and even now I don't have as strong a grip on the concepts as the others do--and they don't have tuition. My grades (quizzes and worksheets) are alright, somewhat; but I just don't feel for them anymore. If I get a good grade, I'm fine; if I don't, I don't really seem to care too much, either. It's like I'm half-conscious and I'm sleepwalking my way through everything.
Schoolwork doesn't fire me up anymore.
The competition season is starting, but I don't feel the pressure, either. I train hard as usual, but last time I used to worry about training more to get more "ball sense". Now I just train as much as I normally do, don't really do much extra. Alright, a couple of extra trainings, but I don't seem to be stressed out about the competition just yet.
Is that good or bad?
My social life sucks at the moment. I mean, I laugh and joke and smile and chat--I can't keep quiet or keep a straight face for more than half an hour--but when the jokes are over I'm back to my own problems. In one and a half weeks, I've fallen out with three, maybe four individuals or groups of people, and all of them happen to come from my inner circle of relationships. Most of them have been resolved; some have not. And I have to say, I am tired. I have been apologizing and making up all over the place. Now, even if we're back to friends now, I worry. I worry about whether I'm pissing her off again, about whether we really are back to normal. Now that I know how much guilt hurts, I've become paranoid. I'm too afraid of letting it happen again. And now, with the possibility of another dispute and a possible break-up, even betrayal, I don't know what to do anymore. I am absolutely exhausted. I've had just about enough of apologies and heart-to-heart chats. I don't want this anymore.
But I'd rather be betrayed than betray.
It's funny how you seem to be best friends for so long--always talking about how close you are, how well you work together, how you share everything...and then it just falls apart in, like, a day. Maybe even a few hours. All it takes is one moment of doubt, a cold spell, another misunderstanding, and then we don't know who's right and who's wrong and we're back to square one. The worse thing is, it's a guessing game. I don't know what she's thinking, and sometimes I just feel too tired to make an effort to find out. I truly don't know if it's my fault or hers. Maybe I don't want to know. Maybe I just need to stay away from her for a while. I'll fight with her, but I don't think we can be the same anymore.
I may have hurt you, but I believe I've been badly hurt too.
I'm alright when you look at me. I laugh and I have my moments of high-ness. I smile and talk. I work. I eat. I fight.
But when it all dies down and when I drown inside my mind, it just doesn't seem the same. It's kind of like the end of the world as I know it. Everything's the same...but it's not. I'm half-conscious and I don't really know what I'm doing, what I'm thinking. I know but I don't. I keep wanting to sit down and have a good chat with a few trusted friends (the only constants in this variable-dominated time of the year), get it all off my chest, but somehow I don't get round to it. I feel like talking about it, but then I don't. The stories are all so long and complicated that I feel too tired to spit it all out again.
What's wrong?
Why doesn't Jennifer have the passion for things anymore?
Why does Jennifer keep conflicting with the people she loves the most?
Why?
Maybe this is just spell. Might go away soon.
But until then, who am I going to hang on to?
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PROFILE
this is where i let rip, so be warned that you might not like everything that pops up here. but i do, so deal with it. (: .
loves
this is so subject to change that i'm not even gonna bother listing them down.
hates
too many, and the list would be extremely volatile, anyway.
wants
a place in Oxford University (good luck, jennifer.)
for someone to know that he has a special place in her heart!
to survive in HCJC next year
not to have so many wants (but who's counting?)