It's been two weeks since I last posted about my life (because the previous has nothing to do with how I live--I don't go around poking people with swords!), and a lot of things have happened. Most of these things are not-too-good. It's been an emotional roller-coaster ride for me.
Schoolwork-wise, I just don't feel the pressure. Nor do I feel the motivation. I'm sort of ahead in school in the sense that I've studied the topics we're studying now, so I know what's happening, but what strikes me is how fast other people learn, and how long it took ME to grasp the concepts alone. It took me 8 weeks to perfect indices, surds and logarithms; it took Stella and everyone else 2 weeks to do the sums just as quickly and as well as I do now. It took me a good many tries to understand Pressure, and even now I don't have as strong a grip on the concepts as the others do--and they don't have tuition. My grades (quizzes and worksheets) are alright, somewhat; but I just don't feel for them anymore. If I get a good grade, I'm fine; if I don't, I don't really seem to care too much, either. It's like I'm half-conscious and I'm sleepwalking my way through everything.
Schoolwork doesn't fire me up anymore.
The competition season is starting, but I don't feel the pressure, either. I train hard as usual, but last time I used to worry about training more to get more "ball sense". Now I just train as much as I normally do, don't really do much extra. Alright, a couple of extra trainings, but I don't seem to be stressed out about the competition just yet.
Is that good or bad?
My social life sucks at the moment. I mean, I laugh and joke and smile and chat--I can't keep quiet or keep a straight face for more than half an hour--but when the jokes are over I'm back to my own problems. In one and a half weeks, I've fallen out with three, maybe four individuals or groups of people, and all of them happen to come from my inner circle of relationships. Most of them have been resolved; some have not. And I have to say, I am tired. I have been apologizing and making up all over the place. Now, even if we're back to friends now, I worry. I worry about whether I'm pissing her off again, about whether we really are back to normal. Now that I know how much guilt hurts, I've become paranoid. I'm too afraid of letting it happen again. And now, with the possibility of another dispute and a possible break-up, even betrayal, I don't know what to do anymore. I am absolutely exhausted. I've had just about enough of apologies and heart-to-heart chats. I don't want this anymore.
But I'd rather be betrayed than betray.
It's funny how you seem to be best friends for so long--always talking about how close you are, how well you work together, how you share everything...and then it just falls apart in, like, a day. Maybe even a few hours. All it takes is one moment of doubt, a cold spell, another misunderstanding, and then we don't know who's right and who's wrong and we're back to square one. The worse thing is, it's a guessing game. I don't know what she's thinking, and sometimes I just feel too tired to make an effort to find out. I truly don't know if it's my fault or hers. Maybe I don't want to know. Maybe I just need to stay away from her for a while. I'll fight with her, but I don't think we can be the same anymore.
I may have hurt you, but I believe I've been badly hurt too.
I'm alright when you look at me. I laugh and I have my moments of high-ness. I smile and talk. I work. I eat. I fight.
But when it all dies down and when I drown inside my mind, it just doesn't seem the same. It's kind of like the end of the world as I know it. Everything's the same...but it's not. I'm half-conscious and I don't really know what I'm doing, what I'm thinking. I know but I don't. I keep wanting to sit down and have a good chat with a few trusted friends (the only constants in this variable-dominated time of the year), get it all off my chest, but somehow I don't get round to it. I feel like talking about it, but then I don't. The stories are all so long and complicated that I feel too tired to spit it all out again.
What's wrong?
Why doesn't Jennifer have the passion for things anymore?
Why does Jennifer keep conflicting with the people she loves the most?
Why?
Maybe this is just spell. Might go away soon.
But until then, who am I going to hang on to?
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PROFILE
this is where i let rip, so be warned that you might not like everything that pops up here. but i do, so deal with it. (: .
loves
this is so subject to change that i'm not even gonna bother listing them down.
hates
too many, and the list would be extremely volatile, anyway.
wants
a place in Oxford University (good luck, jennifer.)
for someone to know that he has a special place in her heart!
to survive in HCJC next year
not to have so many wants (but who's counting?)