Well, this is what's happening in my life right now.
Competitions are over (although I have my individuals...but what are the odds?) so it's back to schoolwork and stuff like Scholar's Cup. I have tons to do so I'm having to stretch my limits here--having to do lots of things in very little time. I'm doing okay. I think it's under this sort of pressure that I understand just how focused I can be and how much I can cram into this tiny head of mine in a given period of time (which, by the way, is insanely short). Being busy means having less time to talk to friends and boyfriends (well, boyfriend), but it gives a grim sense of satisfaction at the end of the day, when you realize you've managed to somehow restrain yourself from chatting to a thousand and one people in one day and have instead managed to concentrate on homework. Life's good like this sometimes. Just not all the time.
Kekkaishi 255 isn't out yet. Hurry up, penguin! I want to know if Hiura really does attack Karasumori. He's not going to walk up to Yoshimori and say, "Hey, sorry about this, chap, but I gotta destroy your school 'cause I was ordered to"...is he? (Yoshimori, that was a really stupid promise you made with Hiura. I suggest you go to him and take it back right now.)
NFL went well. Surprisingly, amazingly well. Moving on to Alabama (if nothing preparation-wise goes wrong). Only some of the elation's gone already. Because I'd rather not go at all if it means losing a friendship with you. You're the older, wiser one, so you can probably read me like a book, and I'm the younger, dumber one, so obviously I can't do the same. I guess you know things in me that I'm completely unaware of, and evidently you don't like what you see or hear. I don't know what they are, so I can't apologize for them--that would be very heartless and unsincere--but I do wish you would tell me. To drop it and move on would be to try and forget things that will forever be in the back of my head. It seems like I keep doing or saying things to offend you nowadays--and this time I don't know what it is. If I knew, I could apologize for it. But I suppose there's nothing to do now but to move on.
My personal life is getting increasingly tiring nowadays. It's not anyone's fault; it's just that I'm still reeling from all the roller-coaster ups and downs that have happened recently. The breakups, the makeups, the anger, the guilt, the exhaustion. I never knew allowing myself to get close to other people--allowing myself to love--could be so tiring. It's like, I solve one relationship problem, and then another goes and throws itself on the rocks almost immediately. Can't there just be a time when everyone around me--everyone--is on good terms with me, isn't mad at me, doesn't hate me, and just keeps me safe? Can't everyone be a constant and not a variable?
Of course they can't.
So life goes on like this--on, off, up, down, and then you fall splat on the ground and you're so bloody tired you don't want to get up anymore.
At the worst of times, I just feel like I want to lock myself up in a room and break up ties with everybody. That would be a lot easier, wouldn't it--you don't get mad at yourself, and if you find a reason to, it's easy to make up. Allowing yourself to get close to someone, to trust someone, would be to make yourself susceptible to breakups, misunderstandings, more breakups, betrayals, more breakups...all of which are unfairly tiring and taxing. Because that's what relationships are, aren't they? The process of trusting, not trusting, and then trusting again. That's how you build a stronger relationship with someone: you have an argument, and endure it. No one is a real friend if he or she hasn't had an argument with you yet. That's a fact.
The worst part? No one ever says what they really think.
If they did, I wouldn't be emo-ing about this now.
There you go: today's slice of teenage drama. It's what I've found out from life as a near-sixteen-year-old. The good part? My portfolio's building up in all areas. The bad part? It seems my ability to get along with people--even though I LOOK fine on the surface--is getting drained away.
Why do I always end up pissing people off when I feel like I've done absolutely nothing wrong at all?
But that's just it, Jennifer. Maybe if you kept your mouth shut and didn't say anything at all, people wouldn't ever have a reason to be mad at you. Maybe that's the best safety net of all: to take away every possible reason.
Worth a shot.
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PROFILE
this is where i let rip, so be warned that you might not like everything that pops up here. but i do, so deal with it. (: .
loves
this is so subject to change that i'm not even gonna bother listing them down.
hates
too many, and the list would be extremely volatile, anyway.
wants
a place in Oxford University (good luck, jennifer.)
for someone to know that he has a special place in her heart!
to survive in HCJC next year
not to have so many wants (but who's counting?)