i wrote WE'RE ALL ALONE IN THIS WORLD GET USED TO IT. at
5:19 AM for you.
Gah okay I'm so emotional now. :/ I think it's because of EOYs lol. Not that I can help it! Even the smallest thing can piss me off and then I have to fight the irresistible urge to put my fist through something (normally, people's faces). I mean, come on, Jennifer, get over it. It's a small thing :/ But my temper is really, REALLY short now (okay, try non-existent. I just blow up.) and it only takes one mean word to set me off. And when I'm off, I'm really off. You don't want to be within a 5m radius of me when it happens. It's nuclear.
I feel myself drifting away. There's a barrier--the six of them, and then me. It seems okay on the surface, but when they ALL start getting on your back TOGETHER then you find yourself getting cornered. I thought I belonged there, and maybe I do. I fitted in so perfectly. But now, clearly, I don't. I'm the punching bag--literally, and you try getting hit some 12 times by someone who has like the sharpest knuckles in the world while the other 5 people stand there and laugh--and even though I try not to ask for it, it seems like no one needs an invitation anymore. One person starts, and even though I'm clearly losing the sense of fun and entertainment in the conversation, no one else picks up on it. I mean not everyone in the group picks on me, but no one defends me, either. It's quite tiring when no one ever agrees with you anymore, or disagrees just for the fun of it. It's for granted now--Jennifer isn't going to blow it, because she's always let us, and if she does, it doesn't matter, she'll get over it. She's in the habit of getting pissed off with small things, anyway.
But there's only so much I can take. And you wonder why I don't post on your blog.
And that's why we're mostly alone in our lives. You can have your friends, but even your closest companions can turn on you without even knowing it. The best of your best friends can drift away, either unintentionally or because they want to, and then you're left behind while they find their new bunch of friends. And yeah they have their freedom and all, but it's tiring that your friendship with someone can float one day and sink the next. There's probably no such thing as "best friends forever", then. All the best friends I've had have left me behind in one way or another. Those who remain may fall away in time to come. It's a fact of life. A sad one, but I've been rejected enough to accept it. I wonder if I've ever been the one to drift away first. I must be a real sucker, because I don't think so. Damn it, I want to do that to someone now. (Okay, I don't, but it would be so nice if I weren't the victim just this once!)
You're with them, but you're not. You can see it, the barrier, the divide. You have your own fights, and they can be on the sidelines--but even if they're cheering for you, which they're not, they can't help you win it. You have to fight on your own. At the end of the day, there's no one to fight the world for you except you.
Yeah okay EOYs REALLY getting to me. :/ I know I totally don't have time for this, and yeah I know I should totally be spending my time doing something much more constructive, but I just thought people should know. And, damn it, I want to be angry, but it isn't going to last forever. Because they're pretty much all I have--if I push them out of my life, what else I got? I need them and so it's only natural that I soften and give in, even though I remember it all. For the goodnessknowshowmany-ieth time in my life, I want to be as immature and childish as possible and STAY mad, until I get my way. Yes, I want that. Oh man, I so freaking want that. Because you people should SEE it.
Yeah, I'm whining. But get used to it. And fat lot you people care, anyhow. But anyway, yeah, whatever, I really don't have time for this, so after the song I'm gonna go and do things that really matter, like Chinese and what-the-hell, so okay thanks bye.
When somebody loved me, everything was beautiful Every hour spent together lives within my heart... So the years went by, I stayed the same She began to drift away, I was left alone... Lonely and forgotten, never thought she'd look my way She smiled at me and held me, just like she used to do When she loved me, when she loved me When somebody loved, everything was beautiful Every hour spent together lives within my heart When she loved me
Sarah McLachlan
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
i wrote at
4:12 AM for you.
Yeah okay I don't really know why I'm posting this when I should be STUDYING (JENNIFER YOU FREAKING PROCRASTINATOR) but I really have to let it out, so.
You ready?
I'M GONNA DIE SO BADLY OMG I WANNA BURY MYSELF SO DEEP IN THE GROUND THE HEAT FROM THE EARTH'S CORE SCORCHES MY ASS.
I've just realized the enormity and the importance of what I'm fighting for. I mean, well, it's not really THAT big a deal--just getting into a really good Junior College, and getting into an even more elite Humanities Program. But it's just that I want it so badly. To top it off, everyone knows I want it, everyone thinks I'm gonna make it. And I know I should live life for myself and not give a damn about what other people think, but the thing is, when you start living a high-profile life where most people in school know you and have expectations of you regardless of whether they like you or not, it gets to you. It doesn't inflate your head, certainly. It just puts pressure on you and reminds you that the world expects you to deliver, and God forbid, if you ever fail... I have a good chance, but things happen, you know? I'm up against serious competition, anyway.
So, yeah, working hard is taken care of. I can't say I'm not working hard, although sometimes I do have to slap myself a few times to stay awake--but I'm putting in effort and I'm getting things done. All that's left is those few hours that will determine pretty much everything for me right now. If I get it, and ohmygod I want it so much, then kudos to me :D If I don't, I suspect I'll get over it, but things will never be the same for me. I mean, well, yeah. I take that long to get over big stuff like this.
I'm really fighting for something for the first time in my life.
World Scholar's Cup was a fight. Table tennis is a fight. EOYs have always been a fight. This is different. It feels bigger.
On the other hand, I just went running and it felt SO GOOD OH MAN. And now I've just had my shower and I feel so refreshed and ready for anything (except perspiring again) and I'm going to have a nice, nutritious dinner. Ah, the small pleasures of life.
OKAY DINNER AND THEN HOMEWORK THANKS BYE BYE.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
i wrote Suan-ing, PMs and NSW at
5:43 AM for you.
Yeah so I've decided I shouldn't really participate in daily conversations unless they contribute to my intellectual and/or academic progress, or unless they are totally harmless (e.g. talking about food, which can't really get you hurt unless you talk about how MUCH food someone eats). I mean, I think my suan-ing abilities really cannot make it :/ It's either that or the fact that I am always against 2 or 3 (or 6) people who all have the innate desire to gang up with each other once I open my mouth and suan one of them. Which, upon backfiring, ends up hurting me more than it hurts the other person. I mean, well yeah, I asked for it lol. 8D But not that way. It's (supposedly) harmless suan-ing until they decide that, since I'm the main object for entertainment and ridicule, they should suan me regardless of whether I'm saying anything to begin with. I mean it's all harmless fun--I hope--but after a while you just get quite tired. I'm exhausted, actually, so I think I shall put down my sword and shield (if I had one to begin with) and lie down and let other people fight it out. Yeah and not many people willingly become objects of entertainment (at their expense) and ridicule, especially when they're being outnumbered 6 to 1. After a while it gets overboard, you know? So, yeah, I should stop talking heh heh.
"Eva's powerful stomach growl", and "4-3 WTF", and "I'm on the verge of a myocardial infarction, about to spontaneously combust or die from excess waves of mugging". Wow. The people I have on MSN are REALLY good at coming up with PMs. (: I just need to log in and scan through my list of contacts and I always end up having a really good laugh. At the same people, too, normally. Some are actually quite meaningful (Don't tell us the sky's the limit when there're footprints on the moon, Meichun's). My PMs are mostly about bashing people up or dancing or wisecracks from stuff I watch (e.g. that 5 minute video about HALO that Linus made me watch--"Halos are 6 miles wide but conveniently do not show up on telescopes"). Alternatively, they are about alpacas, cherry blossoms or flightless birds. I think PMs are the only thing I really like about MSN with all my heart. 8D Gmail's PMs have insane word limits. :/ "Today is a f..." and then it gets cut off.
Yeah okay so Distinction for NSW. *Sigh* I like reading the passages, just not answering questions about them. I KNOW what they're talking about. I just don't know what the QUESTION is talking about. I remember wanting to tear the booklet apart during the test. Then, remembering that I would most likely have to pay a fine, I decided I'd tear some other piece of paper. I think I forgot, because all the scrap paper from my file IS STILL IN MY FILE AND SHOULD BE TORN AND THROWN AWAY IMMEDIATELY BECAUSE THEY'RE GETTING REALLY HEAVY. Okay, that's going on my to-do list. Remind me.
IN THE MEANTIME I SHOULD STUDY FOR EOYS I SHOULD BE DOING MATH NOW OKAY THANKS BYE.
Friday, September 18, 2009
i wrote The Lit-Game at
2:23 AM for you.
(Yeah okay Stella I'm a hypocrite!)
I never liked TS Eliot. Have you ever read the Cat thing? You could read it for hours on end and still be clueless about what he's talking about. Of course, you get the gist of it AFTER A WHILE...but if he has a point to make, why doesn't he just say so? :/
It's occured to me that literature is a man-made beauty. It's the art of expressing a thought in a very roundabout, beat-around-the-bush way. In other words, it's the art of fluff. Alexander Pope didn't like the frivolity of the society around him, so he wrote "The Rape of the Lock" to mock how people took trivial things a little too seriously and failed to treat the more important matters with the same vigilance. He couldn't just say, "Hey, guys, quit being so girlishly frivolous and focus on the right stuff" and publish that one line in the newspaper (or maybe they didn't have newspapers at the time. I'm too lazy to go check it up). George Orwell foresaw terrible social and psychological backlashes of totalitarianism, and wrote 1984 to issue a dire warning against such a society. He couldn't just say, "Totalitarianism sucks because (insert various reasons here), so don't be totalitarians, everybody" and publish it in the newspaper--and I know for a fact that by Orwell's time newspapers had already been invented. Both Pope and Orwell, amongst thousands of other famous writers, chose to express themselves in the most complicated way possible, and while their satirical attacks were blatantly salient, the attacks themselves were not quite as blatant as some people might have liked them to be (like me!). No, it takes things like Sparknotes and many months of close reading before you finally understand exactly what each author wants to say, and even then your intepretations of the stories are highly debatable.
I don't mind, certainly. Literature is a way of life. Some people see literature not only as a hobby, but as a civilized, cultured way of expressing oneself and communicating intangible thoughts in tangible words. Literature is a game. One person creates a piece of work, and the other players try to understand its meaning, reading the words that are said but not written. There aren't really any winners or losers, but it's an interesting game that few people can play well. At the end of the day, playing the lit-game means having to deal with complex thought processes that are intangible, invisible and often extremely personal; grasping them and accepting them doesn't always come easily. Literature may be the art of fluff, but it's a game of intellect and skill. You either play it well, or you don't.
But the whole thing has just gotten me thinking. If our ancient ancestors knew how to express themselves in clear, simple ways (e.g. "That's an awful hairdo" instead of "Your hair is like a nest, a web of tangled strands of brown and black"--that's probably something a poet would say), why did they choose to form the art of expressing themselves in not-so-clear, not-so-simple ways? Why come up with the art of literature when short, concise sentences would do? And, by extension, why come up with visual arts? If an artist wanted to portray world peace, for example, all he has to do is draw a. a dove b. a globe c. WORLD PEACE in block letters and be done with it. Artists nowadays go to great lengths to paint abstract shapes in the weirdest of colours, and then, after audiences put their head on one side and go, huh? they finally step up and say, "This piece of work portrays world peace". Why bother?
I really don't know. Logically, it makes no sense. People are just making things more complicated for themselves. Because literature is often ambiguous, the original meaning often gets confused with personal audience interpretations, and it may not be understood the way the author intended. On the other hand, though, maybe ancient people were just bored. Maybe they just wanted a more interesting way of dealing with the world, and with people around them.
No one will really truly understand the birth of this weird thing called "art" (or maybe you do--TELL ME!), but whatever the reason, I'm just glad literature came about. For one, I'm good at it, so that's my only saving grace--and for another, literature is powerful. A simple piece of work can change the way people think, can cause a turn in the tide. In this day and age, when political, economic and social environments are so deathly volatile, literature is an even more formidable weapon than before. The game isn't over yet; the war on words has only just begun.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
i wrote Top 5 Things That Are Currently Happening at
3:41 AM for you.
Top 5 Things That Are Currently Happening
1. I'm losing my English edge ahhh D: All the typos and the grammatical errors. When I read books I keep having to re-read long sentences. I don't know who I should blame--the author for writing such long sentences that lose all sense halfway through (DUNE!), or myself. Not that I'm one to talk: sometimes during exams and I'm afraid the teacher won't get what I'm saying I tend to write like paragraphs and paragraphs about the same point and sentences that last like 5 lines and even I get confused by the end of the sentence but what the heck, you only ever have 1 hour and 45 mins for one unseen and two essays, so I never turn back to check my work, which explains the lousy marks. D:
2. I'm sleeping way too much. I sleep before assembly, in between classes (sometimes during classes...shhh) and after school. I still get work done but I just can't get through the evening and night without sleeping. It's the exam stress I tell you D: I slept at an obscenely early hour last night. I woke up this morning--just--and realized a little too late that sleeping too early all of a sudden makes it even harder to get your brain back into working mode. It wasn't until my class launched into a full-out basketball game that I snapped wide awake. If you're asleep in the middle of a 409 basketball game, good luck to you.
3. I have a temper that's like a bomb with a 1mm fuse D: Okay sorry that was a bad analogy, but you get the point. Any minute I feel like going BAM and strangling the most convenient person nearby (except Sharon. If I try to strangle her I'll end up getting strangled). If I don't get a Math question right (e.g. trigonometry--meaning ALL the questions in the booklet) I go AHHHH and I curse the person who came up with trigonometry. If I slip and fall on the stairs I go AHHHH and I curse the person who invented stairs. If I can't wake up on time from a nap I go AHHHH...and go back to sleep. (: If any of you are looking for a fight just come to me, piss me off and I'll give you a fight, you li'l buggers.
4. I'm reading a lot of rubbish. E.g. all the mangas that really make no sense, books from long ago that should be for 10 year old kids, Japanese labels on branded biscuits from my mum...Maybe it's because I subconsciously need to convince myself that I can still read long sentences. Not that mangas contain long sentences. At the most, they go AHH and CRAP and STAY AWAY FROM ME YOU (bleep bleep)-ers and then the sentence ends. And Japanese labels don't have to be long to confuse me. They just need to contain more than 3 Kanjis in one sentence and I drop the box.
5. I CAN'T CONCENTRATE ON STUDYING FOR EOYS OMG I'M GOING TO DIE. Actually I shouldn't be writing this post at all. Oops.
OKAY GONNA STUDY THANKS BYE.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
i wrote Top 10 Things That Make Me Laugh Till I Cry at
4:22 AM for you.
I told you there'd be a second list (: (These are inside jokes, so only 409ers would get them...heh heh)
Top 10 Things That Make Me Laugh Till I Cry
1. (and currently the top-rated event) Regina's "Tell me more. Tell...me...more...BU YAO ZOU!" AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA
2. Regina's SMS: "I'm comin' for you turkey!" I suppose it was because I'd SMS-ed her with "Where are you bao!" She likes to respond in kind...so don't hug her.
3. Fei Ya's "ACHOO ACHOO ACHOO...pwah." Oh, man, Fei Ya. You're hilarious. (And second to this is Pamela's sneeze: "meep!")
4. Stella's thing about hyperventilating in Thai Noodle House. I can't remember what it was about...but I know it was hilarious.
5. Zhenglaoshi's "wo hui ba ni sa diao ah!" We're all still here, so...
6. Katekyo Hitman Reborn. I tell you, it's hilarious. I love Yamamoto's "oh, it's a game. okay!" attitude. I also love Gokudera's undying determination to be the perfect right-hand man (OMG PLEASE THE DYNAMITES HAHAHAHAHA). It's a wonderful way to spend your holidays: afternoons filled with baseball bats, dynamites, yo-yos, dying-will bullets, sponge turtles (don't ask) and cooking that's so bad it'll kill you. No, really.
7. Ouran High. People grow mushrooms in the background (literally) whenever they fall into depression. Need I say more?
8. Pamela's hypothesis A: "Shakespeare was Buddhist?!" Pamela's hypothesis B: "Malcolm is gay?!"
9. That episode in Fullmetal Panic, when Sousuke tried to do Japanese Literature and couldn't help but take everything literally (and militarily). "The frog jumped into the pond and made ripples in the water. So? Does it have anything to do with the mission?" And the conversation between him and Kaname that happened in probably about three seconds: K: "You go look for him. NOW!' S: "Roger!" (runs off to Staff Room) S: (returns) "I went to look for him!" K: "How was it?" S: "He wasn't there!" K: (WHACK)
Three seconds.
10. That moment in Midori Days, when the guy's best friend bounced up to him and yelled "MAN YOU'RE AWESOME WORD'S GOING ROUND THAT YOU SMASHED YOUR FIST INTO THAT GANGSTER'S CAR AND TOTALLY DESTROYED HIS CAR BONNET". Then the guy bolted to his feet and smashed his fist onto the desk and yelled back "DO YOU THINK I COULD DO THAT?!"
Being able to laugh is a blessing. SO LAUGH! :D
i wrote Top 10 Events that Jiggled My Heart at
3:28 AM for you.
I can never be a columnist. I'm never consistent with my posts (:
Maddie your stupid list is in my head now. I have to make one of my own or I'll go crazy. :D I said "jiggled my heart" instead of "touched" because most of the touching ones are sad and I'm sad enough as it is, thanks. "Jiggled" is on a smaller scale, so I hope this list is a little more light-hearted. Here goes!
Top 10 Events that Jiggled My Heart
1. From 2008, when a particular someone decided to confess me (completely by accident!). I think you should thank that friend of yours. (:
2. From a week ago, when a particular someone walked from Raffles Place to Boat Quay then to the Supreme Court then to Clarke Quay and THEN to the Esplanade under the afternoon sun with me after an awesome Subway lunch :D I liked it that we didn't even have to try to make conversation. We just did. I think you're the only guy I can talk to without getting in the least nervous. We should go on dates more often. Next stop, East Coast! :D
3. From Dune, when Gurney met Paul again after 3 years (and after assuming he was long dead). It was so relieving that they could finally fight alongside each other again, instead of unknowingly firing missiles at each other ("Oh, man. That was YOU?!").
4. From Kekkaishi, when Gen was introduced to and (somewhat) accepted by the Yagyou. Well, his life was screwed up over there anyway, but at least it was better than staying with that weirdo family of his :/ (If someone has a power that can't control and hurts people without it even though he doesn't mean to, IT'S NOT HIS FAULT, DAMMIT.) I was so happy for him, especially after he started going to school with Yoshi and sparking off a long series of pathetic arguments about coffee milk (and how to grow taller)...and then he decided to die. Ah, well.
5. From 2008, when Stella bought chawanmushi for me when I said I didn't have time for lunch. You taught me a whole new meaning to kindness (: I still remember it! And I don't think I've paid you back yet. YOU JUST WAIT. AHAHAHA
6. From some random Japanese movie in which this girl recorded a video for her boyfriend just before she died. She was talking about how she loved him and how she would have liked to carry on living so that they could spend more time together. I didn't even know what the story was about--just happened to flip to that channel--but I started crying, anyway. Dang I hate sad movies D:
7. From the Dark Elf Trilogies, when Bruenor pretended to be dead because he wanted to make Drizzt say he'd accompany him to Mithril Hall. I really thought he was going to die and I was so sad D: Then he suddenly sat up and said, "THERE, YOU SAID IT" and I dunno, half of me wanted to kill him and the other half of me was super relieved. (Note to readers: if any of you try to pull this kind of trick on me, I swear, I will bury you so deep in the ground the heat from the Earth's core will scorch your sorry ass, and then you really will be dead.)
8. From the Trilogies again, when Zak died. Okay I was actually sort of sad, but it was an honorable death (if you don't mind being killed by your wife and your daughters) and it was for the safety of his only son. It was so selfless on his part and I thought it was kind of ironic coming from a dark elf, but there you go. I was happy when Drizzt dropped the flash bomb on his mother and sisters, yelled, FAREWELL, LOSERS (well, no, he didn't, but it was words to that effect) and went off to live the life his father had always wanted but never dared to live. But I still want Zak back D:
9. From 2009 Feb/March, when a particular someone completely surprised me with his sensitivity and kindness (sorry Linus, I'm uh talking about someone else...but that's not to say that you're not sensitive and kind!). It was great having lunch with the two of you even though I didn't really know you (and please, I still owe you okay, not the other way round, so get over it!). They decided to go to a food place I was familiar with because I said I didn't know how to get back to school from the place they'd initially planned to go to. They changed course in, I dunno, two seconds? Thanks (:
10. When Pei Yu from KC burst into tears after someone swung her way too high on a swing. I would have preferred it if she hadn't cried at all--no one likes watching little kids cry, except maybe those crazy WWII Hitler people--but the way she clung on to me and refused to let go kind of jiggled my heart a little (heh...it sounds funny when you put it in a sentence. Wonder why it sounds okay when you put it in a title?).
So now you know what a loser I am--having a heart that get jiggled by stuff from books and shows and movies. But wait till you see the next list... (:
Monday, September 7, 2009
i wrote MOL Debates at
3:24 AM for you.
I'm SORRY this is SO SO SO LATE. My blog died, so I'm reviving it with my life-giving spirit. (:
Okay MOL debates just ended. NYGH2 got through to the finals! (: Nicolette and I didn't. It was mostly my fault, considering that I didn't really fulfill my role as the Closing Government. I was supposed to give an extension of the Opening Government's arguments, but my substantive was pretty much the same as the one they gave. I had 2 others, but I was more comfortable with the first because I'd written that speech. I should have taken the third substantive instead--it would have saved us. D: Nic gave a reply speech as the last CG speaker, when she was supposed to give a 3rd. But previously she'd been told to do just that, so it wasn't her fault that the content of her speech did not adhere to this format. Overall: right speakers, wrong format. But I screwed it up because I should have known better than to choose such a similar substantive. Or at the very least, I should have had the sense to signpost my substantive and show just why it was different from the Opening Government's.
The point, though, is that this is the one speech competition I've learnt a suprising amount from. Orators' Cup and NFL taught me some things; World Scholars' Cup taught me more things; and Ministry of Law Debates taught me the most. It's probably because this is my first pure-debate competition (therefore pitting me against official debaters--ACK) and I've had to really buck up my debating skills. It's also most likely because I trained long and hard with the debaters and with Yong Wei, and I learnt tons off them, people who debate throughout the year and have gotten used to it all. Ironically, the competition that I don't win ends up being the one in which I truly grow and develop (or at least, I think I have. Tell me I have!). I'm disappointed and a little pissed off with myself, but that's just how you're supposed to feel after a defeat. What brightens it up, though, is that the effort was worth what I learnt from the experience--and the friends I made in the process.
NYDC, thanks for all your support and for being such great people during training (: Training with you all was really fun. I have to admit that I dreaded it at first, but after a while I honestly began looking forward to them, and I'm going to miss them. I was so afraid that I wouldn't be able to fit in with you. Thanks for being so encouraging (: I learnt tons from all of you. Kick ass tomorrow (avenge us HAHA) :D
Batch 10, thanks for coming down today to support the teams! And the two people who sms-ed me afterward, thanks a bunch (: You all were really encouraging and seeing you all there made me go all gung-ho about the debate (even though that kick-ass attitude kind of dissipated once that guy POI-ed me...uhh). Thanks for being there! I love Batch 10 too :D You all will be awesome seniors for Batch 11!
It's settled, then--my last speech competition for the year. (THANK GOODNESS.) Now it's time to get my head set on EOYs (and NOT SCREW THEM UP LIKE THIS DEBATE) and study my ass off for them!
But first...watch finals tomorrow. :D
WELCOME
-hey y'all! -
Previous Blog Addresses:
-www.xanga.com/whenthunderstrikes-
PROFILE
this is where i let rip, so be warned that you might not like everything that pops up here. but i do, so deal with it. (: .
loves
this is so subject to change that i'm not even gonna bother listing them down.
hates
too many, and the list would be extremely volatile, anyway.
wants
a place in Oxford University (good luck, jennifer.)
for someone to know that he has a special place in her heart!
to survive in HCJC next year
not to have so many wants (but who's counting?)