i wrote WE'RE ALL ALONE IN THIS WORLD GET USED TO IT. at
5:19 AM for you.
Gah okay I'm so emotional now. :/ I think it's because of EOYs lol. Not that I can help it! Even the smallest thing can piss me off and then I have to fight the irresistible urge to put my fist through something (normally, people's faces). I mean, come on, Jennifer, get over it. It's a small thing :/ But my temper is really, REALLY short now (okay, try non-existent. I just blow up.) and it only takes one mean word to set me off. And when I'm off, I'm really off. You don't want to be within a 5m radius of me when it happens. It's nuclear.
I feel myself drifting away. There's a barrier--the six of them, and then me. It seems okay on the surface, but when they ALL start getting on your back TOGETHER then you find yourself getting cornered. I thought I belonged there, and maybe I do. I fitted in so perfectly. But now, clearly, I don't. I'm the punching bag--literally, and you try getting hit some 12 times by someone who has like the sharpest knuckles in the world while the other 5 people stand there and laugh--and even though I try not to ask for it, it seems like no one needs an invitation anymore. One person starts, and even though I'm clearly losing the sense of fun and entertainment in the conversation, no one else picks up on it. I mean not everyone in the group picks on me, but no one defends me, either. It's quite tiring when no one ever agrees with you anymore, or disagrees just for the fun of it. It's for granted now--Jennifer isn't going to blow it, because she's always let us, and if she does, it doesn't matter, she'll get over it. She's in the habit of getting pissed off with small things, anyway.
But there's only so much I can take. And you wonder why I don't post on your blog.
And that's why we're mostly alone in our lives. You can have your friends, but even your closest companions can turn on you without even knowing it. The best of your best friends can drift away, either unintentionally or because they want to, and then you're left behind while they find their new bunch of friends. And yeah they have their freedom and all, but it's tiring that your friendship with someone can float one day and sink the next. There's probably no such thing as "best friends forever", then. All the best friends I've had have left me behind in one way or another. Those who remain may fall away in time to come. It's a fact of life. A sad one, but I've been rejected enough to accept it. I wonder if I've ever been the one to drift away first. I must be a real sucker, because I don't think so. Damn it, I want to do that to someone now. (Okay, I don't, but it would be so nice if I weren't the victim just this once!)
You're with them, but you're not. You can see it, the barrier, the divide. You have your own fights, and they can be on the sidelines--but even if they're cheering for you, which they're not, they can't help you win it. You have to fight on your own. At the end of the day, there's no one to fight the world for you except you.
Yeah okay EOYs REALLY getting to me. :/ I know I totally don't have time for this, and yeah I know I should totally be spending my time doing something much more constructive, but I just thought people should know. And, damn it, I want to be angry, but it isn't going to last forever. Because they're pretty much all I have--if I push them out of my life, what else I got? I need them and so it's only natural that I soften and give in, even though I remember it all. For the goodnessknowshowmany-ieth time in my life, I want to be as immature and childish as possible and STAY mad, until I get my way. Yes, I want that. Oh man, I so freaking want that. Because you people should SEE it.
Yeah, I'm whining. But get used to it. And fat lot you people care, anyhow. But anyway, yeah, whatever, I really don't have time for this, so after the song I'm gonna go and do things that really matter, like Chinese and what-the-hell, so okay thanks bye.
When somebody loved me, everything was beautiful Every hour spent together lives within my heart... So the years went by, I stayed the same She began to drift away, I was left alone... Lonely and forgotten, never thought she'd look my way She smiled at me and held me, just like she used to do When she loved me, when she loved me When somebody loved, everything was beautiful Every hour spent together lives within my heart When she loved me
Sarah McLachlan
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PROFILE
this is where i let rip, so be warned that you might not like everything that pops up here. but i do, so deal with it. (: .
loves
this is so subject to change that i'm not even gonna bother listing them down.
hates
too many, and the list would be extremely volatile, anyway.
wants
a place in Oxford University (good luck, jennifer.)
for someone to know that he has a special place in her heart!
to survive in HCJC next year
not to have so many wants (but who's counting?)