I'm amazed at how my energy reserve is actually deeper than I thought.
I went to check out December Camp 2009 (Ground Zero; 起飞) yesterday. Initially I'd just intended to have a peek and find out how my juniors were doing, but then Dileen told me I could do sentry duty with her if I stayed overnight, and I figured staying up to watch the nighttime sky was well worth it (and also the fact that "sentry duty" sounds kinda cool), so I ended up bringing along a sleeping bag. We didn't do much in the afternoon (Dileen and the others conked out because they'd gone dragon-boating in the morning). We went out for dinner at Sixth Avenue around 6, and then went back for another nap. Then at 9 we all went to witness what we had all been waiting for: the infamous Heaven and Hell. Honestly, I've never done Heaven and Hell myself; Batch '09 did it during June Camp last year, but I'd gone home early so I didn't catch it (not sure whether I should be laughing or crying about it now). I'd actually looked forward to watching the activity (all of us were most interested in the physical stuff. Mental workouts are boring to watch), but the moment I stepped into "Heaven" I knew I wasn't gonna like it. It was the atmosphere--you know, the kind of feeling you get when you've been given a death sentence that you can't escape. That's how I spent the night--watching my juniors do PT for 2 and a half hours in complete darkness, with a bunch of seniors yelling at them left, right and centre. I didn't find it in myself to yell at them because they were really giving it their all (there are times when you just can't break the limits your body has set for you. Mind-over-matter doesn't always work the way you want it to.), so I went around encouraging people instead. :/ Not sure how much it helped, but I felt a bit better when most of the people I encouraged straightened themselves out a little bit. I really felt like getting down on all fours and doing the PT with them, partly because I generally can't stand watching people exert so much effort without doing the same myself, and also because I never really got the chance to push my limits and feel good about. Honestly speaking, I feel like all my Council camps were flops. I tried, definitely, but I suppose in retrospect I could have tried a little harder. I felt like doing everything with them but I was afraid it was inappropriate or something. Then this girl sprained her ankle and ended up doing twinkies for the rest of the night (at least the others got to do rotational PTs. This girl was stuck with twinkies for the rest of her time in Hell, and even though her legs were fine her arms must have been on fire after, oh gosh, 30 seconds). She had to sit on a chair away from the others so I think they pretty much forgot about her; there was no one to cheer her on and stuff, so I jumped in and started doing twinkies with her. We counted down 30 seconds again and again. When you're working for a short-term goal like 30 seconds (and not 3 freaking hours!) it hurts less. I'm proud of Batch' 10 and Batch' 11 because they did last night what I never got to do, or what I never allowed myself to do. They can say that they've survived Heaven and Hell in the best way possible. Nice going guys (:
Dileen and Yu Xuan slept through the whole thing, lol. So after that the 3 of us went for sentry duty, and we lay down in the Quadrangle and looked up at the stars. We chatted about a whole lot of things--primary school life, people we like, people we don't like, how we're gonna survive next year... I never realized we'd get so frank with each other. It felt good to get all those things out and have someone to listen to them. Thanks you two (: THEN at 3AM we went upstairs to get some sleep and Wenqi and the rest took over. I slept like a log until 640, and then it was time to get up again. Yu Xuan, Wenqi, Jen Yi and I ran with the juniors (they had a morning run), but it was hardly tiring (SHORTEST COUNCIL RUN I'VE EVER RUN). When we got back the seniors had already finished most of the balloon heart thing (about a hundred or so balloons, more, maybe, tied to a web of ropes that spanned the width of the Quadrangle), and after a few more balloons, seniors stationed on the fourth floor on each side of the Quadrangle hoisted it up into the air. It looked real good (: Then Yu Xuan left for a friendly match at HC, and I left to go home and get some rest before going for Maris trng.
I slept for about an hour at home, and then I had lunch, and then ran off to get to Maris. Smart move. By the time I got there everyone had gone off for lunch, and by the time they got back I would only have 2 hours to train (which, to me, wasn't trng at all). Along the way I met Edwin and his brother, who invited me to get lunch with them, so I followed them out. Kevin permanently put me off the idea of getting a driving license :/ We went back (late) for trng and Edwin and I paired up for doubles (I wonder why Chen likes this combination so much). I think I was (to put it gently) completely useless. He did most of the whacking. I tried to do some whacking but my accuracy rate was--well, I didn't have accuracy at all. I've concluded that it's not that I'm a bad player; it's just that he's too good for me and I can't catch up with the way he plays. But it's kind of fun (: (Sorry Edwin. I really am sort of useless.)
And THEN (yeah. the day isn't over yet) I felt bad about only training for 2-odd hours, so I called my sister and asked her if she wanted to play with me once I got back. She agreed, so I went home for another hour of trng with my sister. FOR SOME REASON I'M A LOT BETTER AT HOME THEN WHEN I'M AT MARIS. We had a lot of fun, but by the time I got back home I was quite sick of being hot and sweaty and everything. I'd spent pretty much more than a day like that. So I took a long long LONG shower and had dinner (french fries only. I didn't want the burger, lol). And now I'm here (: AND STILL GOING STRONG.
The fact that I haven't collapsed yet is amazing. I've never done the whole staying-up thing before. I'm so proud of myself :D Tomorrow I'm playing with Lynn (JUNIOR APPLE--AHAHAHA) so that'll be another workout. I wonder if I should run for real tomorrow. Combined with yesterday and today's activities it's sure to burn a whole truckload of calories.
Okay I got work to do. BYE! (Merry Christmas, everyone--whatever that means!)
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
i wrote at
5:52 AM for you.
Too many things have happened these days, and I honestly can't be bothered to explain all of them. I'm just going to talk about the easier stuff. (:
5 things that happened/I've done this/last week:
1. X-6 debut. First night, we didn't manage to get into the hype of performing. Second day, we TOTALLY got into the mood. I think we really got the gist of it around the last two shows. I didn't realize that some of my X-6 friends' friends were MY friends too. MY JUNIORS HAVE SEEN ME DANCE NOW D: THERE GOES MY REPUTATION. My neighbor watched me too. Rats. But then when I think about it I don't really mind. I think the performances went okay. :D Those three days were exhausting but it was SO worth it. X-6, we beat the crap outta all the other X-s in the world! We're the MAFIA :D (Eh, Newbie was super short-lived. He left just a few hours after getting to know the boss and his seniors. LOL.)
2. Fairy Tail. It's probably the worst manga I've ever bothered to read. But seriously, after seeing new chapters pop up like EVERY WEEK on Onemanga you start to get curious. It's like reading the new, even-more-psycho version of Rave (it was aired some 5 years ago on AXN). It's quite nostalgic, actually. Natsu looks like Haru and Lucy looks like Elie, and Plue is just...Plue. And Gray looks like Musica, I suppose (no...Loki does. Forget it, they all look alike). Gerard (I can't take the guy seriously. What kind of name is that?! Sounds like a cat) looks like the guy who wanted to kill Elie because of Ethelion. Can't remember his name. It's brainless and it's completely empty. But it's the holidays. Might as well get as brainless as possible.
3. Jitterbugs. I've realized. Everybody's gotta understand how hard it is to dance D: I can keep up, but it's a total mental workout. Jitterbugs is on a whole new level. My previous class is peanuts compared to this. It's super fast and it's actually sort of advanced :/ For me, anyway. Dunno about the other people. They're from the advanced class so I suppose they'd find the drop-in class easy, although some of them are like me, just managing to catch up. The fact that I haven't completely embarrassed myself is nothing short of astounding (I'm so proud of myself...ahahaha). Just thinking about it makes me nervous :/
4. Legend. WAHLAO SO HARD TO WRITE NOW. D: I'M STUCK.
5. Brenda stayed over. We've drifted dreadfully apart these few years. We're really quite different. But after spending a good long time chatting to her (and staying up) I've realized that she's one of those people I can really talk to, without holding back. I suppose childhood friends are friends for life. I mean, okay, she likes Twilight and she spends a lot more time on dressing up than I do. But I like even stupider stuff and I couldn't dress up the way she does even if you gave me an entire year. So her staying over did us both a whole lot of good (:
I'm done! Going on a cruise on Friday. Not looking forward to being stuck on a ship with no solid ground beneath my feet. Rats. And if (and God forbid) we really do get attacked by pirates, I think I'd get so pissed off I'd throw something sharp (or big) at them and tell them to beat it. I don't have a good temper when I'm not on land.
PWAH!
Sunday, December 6, 2009
i wrote at
10:10 PM for you.
I wanted to write a proper post, but I think the songs do better.
I'm going home Downhearted and hoping I'm close To some new beginning I know There's a reason for everything That comes and goes
But so many people are looking to me To be strong and to fight But I'm just surviving I may be weak but I'm never defeated And I'll keep believing In clouds with that sweet silver lining
Most days I try My best to put on a brave face But inside My bones are cold and my heart breaks But all the while Something's keeping me safe And alive
I won't give up like this I will be given strength And now that I've found it Nothing can take that away [Kate Voegele: Sweet Silver Lining]
Hey there, sad eyes What's on your mind? Don't look so down Give it sometime You don't have to be So hard on yourself I know the world can be a brutal place Please don't let it steal your smile away
'Cause when the sky is darkest You can see the stars And when you fall the hardest You find how strong you are Close your eyes, rest awhile It's been a long, long day So come on, baby, baby Have a little faith
Let those tears fall You gave it your all It's all you can do I'll be here for you And there goes your pride Crushed on the ground Sometimes it takes a wall to tumble down For you to see who's gonna stick around
Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better (yeah) And it takes so much to be brave Sometimes you're afraid it'll hurt forever But when all the lights begin to fade [Jordin Sparks: Faith]
You fight to keep what you have, and your system overloads again.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
i wrote at
6:39 AM for you.
Sorry, this whole thing about talent needs to cleared up in my head. So here goes:
What is it that propels people to the top? Everyone knows what to say: hard work; if you've got it, talent; and chance. Let's see what Jennifer's got!
1. Hard work. I know this well enough. When I hit Sec 1 I realized what it meant to work my ass off. I was a DSA student and surrounded by people who'd kicked my butt in PSLE. I survived, but only by spending double the time and effort, especially on Math and Science (oh, glad it's over now. HAHA). Likewise, the moment I entered the sport I knew I had very little talent at it. I don't suck at it. I just don't have the extra edge. Everything I have now was drilled into me by going early for school training, taking weekends off to play with Lynn (AHAHA LYNN TAN WE NEEDA MAKE THAT A ROUTINE) and private training (a few years back). If I train 12 hours a week, I get on par with people who train 6 or 9 hours a week. If I study two months before a Physics test, I lose out by one mark to people who study the night before (Sec 2, Block Test 2). I've done the math. It's been that way for years and I've gotten very used to the idea that putting in extra time and effort is the only way to get through this sport. I will never go too far with it because there are too many people out there who work as hard as I do, but just have the extra bit of talent that pushes them over the top. It might not seem like I work very hard, but hard work is a behind-the-scenes kind of thing, isn't it? No one in my class is going to tell you I'm a slacker. I know what it means to work hard. But to be fair, I also know what it means to play hard. I know very well. (:
2. Talent. Okay don't know much of this one. Academics: some for the languages, maybe, but zero for math and science (I get through tests by memorizing every possible question in the book). Sports: NO WAY IN HELL. I got this far by training and doing PT every other morning. And I haven't gone very far yet! Dance: I can coordinate things okay, and I might have some spunk for it, but I can't really tell. You can't go anywhere if you don't have solid ground beneath you. I need foundations first. I'll get back to you about this. In other words, all the achievements in my life has been accumulated and hoarded through hard work. The only thing I might have some real talent for is speech-making. I can keep up in debates--just. And trying my hand at speech competitions was the best decision I made this year. Then again, ironically, I hate debating. Aw nuts.
3. Chance. You need to know what to do when an opportunity presents itself. YOU TAKE IT, DUH. Run a risk, take a chance. I'm not very good at this but I tried out Orator's Cup, right? (Good decision, that one. Totally crazy and completely suicidal, but it worked out. Miracles do happen.) But I'm getting less brave by the day, really. I think it'll take an entire week of JC life for me to get the gung-ho attitude back.
So you need a little of all 3 to get to the top. People like to say that hard work is all you need. Okay, so everyone works hard. But it doesn't mean everyone's gonna hit the mark. Who's gonna get it? The people who work hard and have a gift for what they do. But some of these people still won't make it. They're the ones who don't dare to take a chance and let themselves be known and spotted. Let's be realistic about it, shall we? You do need talent, and you do need chance and luck. Those are the things that will help you whack a homerun, long and far. Hard work is already a given in our society. It's a pre-requisite. It's understood.
So I'm gonna work hard and take the right chances for the things I'm not gifted at but for which I have a passion, and I'm gonna friggin' work my ass off and take friggin' big risks for everything else (to heck with the stuff I don't care about!). There are going to be people who will kick my butt. I'm quite familiar with the idea. But I might as well just keep dealing with it. I will always have a good moan and groan about how it's bloody unfair that some people don't even have to try to be good at stuff, but that's a routine moaning-and-groaning thing (so ignore it the next time it comes up). I won't always try to be as good as the people who are talented, but I will work as hard as they do, in my own way, behind the scenes. It's a good way to live life.
I like the things I do now. I really do. ISN'T THAT ALL THAT MATTERS! I'M YOUNG AND I'M HAPPY SO I SHOULD FLIPPIN' MAKE THE MOST OUT OF IT! THREE CHEERS FOR THE GOLDEN YEARS OF YOUTH! :D
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
i wrote at
4:46 AM for you.
5 things I've realized today:
1. When you're having muscle aches that are so bad they could kill you, it's not a good idea to go for training. I said it wasn't a good idea. I didn't say it was the idea I took. I went for training anyway and fifteen minutes into the stupid thing--SNAP!--something went wackus in my leg. Another half hour and SNAP went the other leg. For the rest of training I was absolutely exhausted. And on fire all over.
2. Stand back and look at things carefully; analyse everything that goes. Then you'll see where you are. How far everyone has gone, and how far you've fallen behind. You used to be able to do all that. You used to put up a real good fight, or even if you didn't, you won anyway. But that's all so far back in the past that you begin to wonder whether you were really up there at all. You can't catch up, you can't face up to the people whom you know are beneath you (or used to be--nothing's definite anymore), and you can't do the simplest of things without screwing up. After all that's over you go home and wonder what the hell you're doing, loving something that you'll never be good at.
3. Precisely that--I spent half the day doing things I will never get good at. I love the things that I don't have a talent for. And--get this--I hate the things I'm possibly gifted at. I hate debating and I really don't like giving certain sorts of speeches. Wonderful way to live life. Do the things you suck at and don't do the things you could make money out of. I love it.
4. Some people are born with the talents you would die for and you could stab them for it. But after resisting the urge (and that's saying something), you begin to wonder if you do have the capacity. It's possible that you have the talent, but that you need to get down to it and find it. They always say you can't if you think you can't. So the best way to bullet-train my way through things is to keep thinking I can go higher. I've been thinking that for the past year and I'm still waiting for something to happen. But I can't if I think I can't, so I must think I can. And wait.
5. It gets tiring putting your all into doing something you're not quite born to do. It's not like I'm gonna stop what I like to do just because I'm not good at it--if that were the case I would have quit a long long time ago--but it strikes me that it really exhausts me to keep up a passion for things that get me pretty much nowhere (statistically. Let's leave out the personal growth parts). Of course it would exhaust me even if it did get me somewhere. But the point is, throwing in 100% input and getting only 20% output is a little daunting sometimes. Not always, but sometimes. And it can get me down. Kind of like how it's pissing me off now. But it always passes, it's okay.
And the conclusion:
I'm taking tomorrow off.
WELCOME
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PROFILE
this is where i let rip, so be warned that you might not like everything that pops up here. but i do, so deal with it. (: .
loves
this is so subject to change that i'm not even gonna bother listing them down.
hates
too many, and the list would be extremely volatile, anyway.
wants
a place in Oxford University (good luck, jennifer.)
for someone to know that he has a special place in her heart!
to survive in HCJC next year
not to have so many wants (but who's counting?)