1. When you're having muscle aches that are so bad they could kill you, it's not a good idea to go for training. I said it wasn't a good idea. I didn't say it was the idea I took. I went for training anyway and fifteen minutes into the stupid thing--SNAP!--something went wackus in my leg. Another half hour and SNAP went the other leg. For the rest of training I was absolutely exhausted. And on fire all over.
2. Stand back and look at things carefully; analyse everything that goes. Then you'll see where you are. How far everyone has gone, and how far you've fallen behind. You used to be able to do all that. You used to put up a real good fight, or even if you didn't, you won anyway. But that's all so far back in the past that you begin to wonder whether you were really up there at all. You can't catch up, you can't face up to the people whom you know are beneath you (or used to be--nothing's definite anymore), and you can't do the simplest of things without screwing up. After all that's over you go home and wonder what the hell you're doing, loving something that you'll never be good at.
3. Precisely that--I spent half the day doing things I will never get good at. I love the things that I don't have a talent for. And--get this--I hate the things I'm possibly gifted at. I hate debating and I really don't like giving certain sorts of speeches. Wonderful way to live life. Do the things you suck at and don't do the things you could make money out of. I love it.
4. Some people are born with the talents you would die for and you could stab them for it. But after resisting the urge (and that's saying something), you begin to wonder if you do have the capacity. It's possible that you have the talent, but that you need to get down to it and find it. They always say you can't if you think you can't. So the best way to bullet-train my way through things is to keep thinking I can go higher. I've been thinking that for the past year and I'm still waiting for something to happen. But I can't if I think I can't, so I must think I can. And wait.
5. It gets tiring putting your all into doing something you're not quite born to do. It's not like I'm gonna stop what I like to do just because I'm not good at it--if that were the case I would have quit a long long time ago--but it strikes me that it really exhausts me to keep up a passion for things that get me pretty much nowhere (statistically. Let's leave out the personal growth parts). Of course it would exhaust me even if it did get me somewhere. But the point is, throwing in 100% input and getting only 20% output is a little daunting sometimes. Not always, but sometimes. And it can get me down. Kind of like how it's pissing me off now. But it always passes, it's okay.
And the conclusion:
I'm taking tomorrow off.
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PROFILE
this is where i let rip, so be warned that you might not like everything that pops up here. but i do, so deal with it. (: .
loves
this is so subject to change that i'm not even gonna bother listing them down.
hates
too many, and the list would be extremely volatile, anyway.
wants
a place in Oxford University (good luck, jennifer.)
for someone to know that he has a special place in her heart!
to survive in HCJC next year
not to have so many wants (but who's counting?)