You know how it was a good week last week? You should always enjoy your good weeks. Because after that, everything gets (insert swear word here) up.

I spend two hours trying to get a good grip on a technique that's BOUND to come in handy for tomorrow's competition, and then we spar and then it all goes down the drain. Sure, it comes in handy SOMETIMES, but when your accuracy level is somewhere around 20% it doesn't really help that much. So, great. I'm screwed for tomorrow. And when I go down, I'm not the only one who goes down. I have to drag someone else down with me because I'm not good enough. What happened to the carefree days of singles when I could just screw up on my own?

I spend time and effort keeping the team together, and it's great. Yeah, we're NYTT now. We're all rah-rah. That's not just my effort, it's everyone else's, so wonderful job. Woo-hoo. But then all we need is a little bit more craziness and then I turn into a human punchbag that has KICK ME written on my forehead. I never said you couldn't joke around and have fun--who said Jennifer doesn't like having fun?--but there's a narrow line between joking and bullying. I'm standing there alone and the entire junior population flies at me. My height, my this, my that, everything. For one, I am a senior. Even though we never really bothered with the whole senior-junior thing, there is a bottom line. For another, I ASSUME I am some kind of friend. When you gang up against a friend and make fun of her nonstop, I suppose you feel good about it, until someone else does the same to you.

And then I'm the one yelling at people to pick the balls up because it's OUR room, not Jennifer's room. You want me to set an example? I freaking set an example. Who out there says Jennifer doesn't pick up balls? But if an example is set you're supposed to FOLLOW it, in case you don't know what an example means. You don't crowd around her and bully the living daylights out of her and pick up maybe about ten balls and then leave every other odd ball on the floor for her to pick up. You know she will. And she does. She could always leave it. Everyone's leaving and not caring, so why should she care? Because she is the captain--no, a member of the team who uses the room--and she KNOWS she should pick up the balls after training, even though no one else does. She could always dismiss it as a freaking waste of time, which is what everyone else thinks, but when everyone's gone and the lights are off she's still there, putting balls into the baskets and then packing up her own things alone, which are still strewn everywhere. And she's thinking, everyone's gone out the door, but what about me? Stuck here in a dark room with no one else waiting outside with the lights off and the aircons down because everyone's forgotten about me. Jennifer doesn't matter. She's an example. Because that's what you call her when everyone else is packing their stuff and watching her do the rest of the work, isn't it? "Jennifer's the captain. She should set an example." You can say that, but please, be truthful and add the climax. "That we don't follow."

I'm glad my captaincy ends when the Nationals are over. There are times when I feel proud of myself as a captain, and there are times when I sit down and wonder what the hell I've been doing. I don't ask for ultimate respect. Respect has to be gained. But I think I've done a considerable number of things to have a minimum level of respect. Even with a normal person, you respect her and you don't gang up against her to tell her how short she is in front of coaches and teachers and other juniors. I laugh and play around with you, but that's because people are watching. One day, when you push me far enough over the edge,

I will give you hell.

My sympathy goes out to all the other captains out there who don't have the guts or the heart to yell at their juniors because they're just having their fun, after all. To all the captains who don't have the heart to tell their juniors they're having fun at the expense of someone else. Or am I the only one who's that weak? Am I the only one who invites people to kick my ass?

"Hey Jennifer the awesome captain!"

If I were that awesome, none of the above would ever have happened.